Elizabeth
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Jean,
Well, that is my big question, but to it let me add that the writing is just lovely, confident and beautiful. The situation is believable, the character sympathetic. I love that the woman he left her for was “more interesting.” And that she liked her on TV. Just complex and strong. And I am excited, now that I understand it (and I am tired . . . so it may well just be me), that she lied and now is encouraged to embody the lie. I’m excited to see what happens next. And I love that character of the woman on the bus. So well drawn in such a short space.
(More comments in ms.)
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Jody—
I like her. I love the dynamics here, all the politics from CeeCee and Snow, the suspicious behavior of his kindness, his knowing who she is. The sisters cuing him. Great. This is a lot of fun.
I’ve marked a couple of places where I was confused or wanted more, but I was pulled through by the tension in the social dynamics.
Great. (More comments in ms.)
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Julie,
I love this whole twisted enterprise and her attitude about it. Makes her likeable to me and intrigued. Since she starts on a bus, I would go ahead and give us a little more of that—some of which probably will come when this is pasted in with the rest of the book. But that’s the frame scene—what’s at stake there? However, this is so entertaining, that I am happy to go along. So many just do enough to establish the contrast. I was glad to come to a specific instance of a place she’s done in. A character with a problem or set of problems is a great one to launch into a life-changing story.
Bravo! (More comments in ms.)
Warmly,
ElizabethVijajay—There is so much suggested here. This feels more directly written to the father—maybe I’m just more used to the conceit or maybe it’s connecting more to what the narrator (you) wants to say to him without concern for the reader? In any case, it seems that the important thing right now is for you to create this record of your feelings, memoires and interactions. There is so much story suggested here—character arcs, scenes—that is still in potentia. That is as it should be—but any of these are doors you might go back and walk through, open out.
Bravo!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Yes! Julie, The end of this piece, where Nita takes action, shows us everything you tell us in the paragraphs before, and we experience it. It’s much stronger. Her anger, her revenge, her despair all come through. We are right there with her. I love the situation—her being “fired” from this role for her age. I love her need. It’s great that you wrote through it so it was so clear that it drove the action perfectly. Now you do not need the explanation.
I am humbling reversing my position on putting everything in the comments. I’ve just pasted my many, many notes into three people’s comments and it’s just too time consuming. I am going to upload the doc. I’ve put my comments right in the text in editorial parenthesis, underlining the lines I’m discussing. Next week I will simply track changes in the document. It doesn’t seem hard to open docs anyway . . . Thanks!
Vijaya—There is so much in here, rich, wonderful material.
I remember your talking about your editor friend, MM, not approving of the second person address here. It grew on me, but I started with the same uncomfortable feeling that this was not really addressed to Appa, who knew all of these things, but to the reader, by proxy. Then I had the thought that part of the piece’s purpose is that very dilemma—the Appa who can no longer be directly addressed, who must be addressed through others. But mostly I think that any way this material comes pouring out at this point is great. What you are doing is discovering—what you have to say, how it fits together, what matters.
I really connected to the story about the mother and the dowry, to the different ways the mother, the villagers and then the father viewed the gift of that land. What an amazing story. I’d love to see you draw it out, dramatize it, as a story. That line of people—what an image! Powerful material here, and all through out it is the details, as noted in some of the lines mentioned above, that most capture me.
I am humbling reversing my position on putting everything in the comments. I’ve just pasted my many, many notes into three people’s comments and it’s just too time consuming. I am going to upload the doc. I’ve put my comments right in the text in editorial parenthesis, underlining the lines I’m discussing. Next week I will simply track changes in the document. It doesn’t seem hard to open docs anyway . . . Thanks!
Jody—I love these “Charlie’s Angels” sisters in their three nightie-dresses. I don’t know what the stakes are or how this fits into the larger story, but what drove me was figuring out the dynamics between the sisters, and the humor.]
I am humbling reversing my position on putting everything in the comments. I’ve just pasted my many, many notes into three people’s comments and it’s just too time consuming. I am going to upload the doc. I’ve put my comments right in the text in editorial parenthesis, underlining the lines I’m discussing. Next week I will simply track changes in the document. It doesn’t seem hard to open docs anyway . . . Thanks!
Simone: Is this the opening of the story? Or is it a summary of the story? I love the voice. I love the story that is told here—vivid and specific, though not yet played out. It feels like a summary, but I love the inviting ending—can’t wait to dive in!
I am humbling reversing my position on putting everything in the comments. I’ve just pasted my many, many notes into three people’s comments and it’s just too time consuming. I am going to upload the doc. I’ve put my comments right in the text in editorial parenthesis, underlining the lines I’m discussing. Next week I will simply track changes in the document. It doesn’t seem hard to open docs anyway . . . Thanks!
Mollie–The description of Christine and Courtney’s trend-setting is precise and on-target, and her desire to be included and the obstacle of Margaret are moving. This is some excellent writing, Mollie. I really see you growing tremendously as a writer. Bravo! I love the complexity of the family, and how, nonetheless clear it all is through the action.
I am humbling reversing my position on putting everything in the comments. I’ve just pasted my many, many notes into three people’s comments and it’s just too time consuming. I am going to upload the doc. I’ve put my comments right in the text in editorial parenthesis, underlining the lines I’m discussing. Next week I will simply track changes in the document. It doesn’t seem hard to open docs anyway . . . Thanks!
Jean—Each character in this brief sketch—the British woman, Patrick, Alexander—is so distinct and vivid. I love the voices. The narrator is well established through her glint of humor and her insights (i.e. about her son, and about her husband). This is a pleasure to read and makes me want more. Even the move to backstory grabs me and takes me along, triggered as it is by the woman’s tender and wholly unexpected gesture. It was my surprise at the nonetheless believable gesture that carried me along.
I am humbling reversing my position on putting everything in the comments. I’ve just pasted my many, many notes into three people’s comments and it’s just too time consuming. I am going to upload the doc. I’ve put my comments right in the text in editorial parenthesis, underlining the lines I’m discussing. Next week I will simply track changes in the document. It doesn’t seem hard to open docs anyway . . . Thanks!
Devi—Great drama here. I love seeing Crash and Dia connect. There’s a lot going on there. Of course, I had some questions based on being in the middle of the story and not knowing some of the set-up. (Is she his wife? Is this the first time they’ve kissed? Etc.) Keep giving us Dia’s very specific observations about this woman. When you do that, you nail it.
Specific comments [in editorial parentheses] on lines quoted below:
sucking face [surprising voice; is it right?] with
After their fight, she had been out looking for him, [Might you say she had “gone” out looking for him? More active and keeps us in the narrative flow of the moment to moment story.]
a buxom strawberry blonde[is there any unusual detail she notices? Like “Sucking face,” this is a bit of a cliché; with the first instance (sucking face) it might reveal voice and character; here, I’d love to see precisely what Dia notices about this woman.]
leaning over the stick shift, [Good detail—a bit more of this.]
Crash was kissing back, his hands occupying the stick and steering wheel of the shitty Honda. Yet his mouth was on this woman’s, neck craned, eyes closed. [Since you begin the second sentence here with “Yet,” I would cut “was kissing back” from the first sentence and show us his hand first, and then, following the yet, we see the kiss.]
this siren with bottled blonde locks. [again, why is she so unreal? I can see how this might tell us something about Dia, but I also want to know what Dia sees specifically. I mean, could she pick this woman out in a line-up or did she just deposit her into a type and move on?]
wiped the corner of his mouth with her finger, [Great detail. Just the kind of specificity I want regarding her physical presence. So good.]
Crash yelled, Jesus, Jesus, and quickly unbuckled, jammed his foot onto the clutch and put the stick back into the resting position. [Great. I am totally gripped here. Love his reaction.]
fixed a killer smile across his full lips and got out of the car. Hey Dia, he said, his voice rose above the din of honking cars and passers by yelling What the hell are you doing? Get off the road! [I have a hard time picturing him grinning as he shouts here.]
She could feel the heat of her blush rising past her neck, bursting into flames on her cheeks. [Try cutting mediation: The heat of her blush rose past her neck . . .]
Dia flexed her feet upward and kissed him, tasting the other woman’s cherry flavored lipstick. [Do they normally kiss? Are they together? This is not a question I’d likely be asking here were I reading in context, but it’s what comes up for me now!]
“Love her?”[Good.]
He put his fingertips at her waist. [Great, specific gesture.]
The other woman came to life and yelled, Is this your wife? [I want to know that, too!]
Sabina—I love the kids’ perspective here, figuring out what is going on. I love being introduced to this world, the details of it and the mystery.
Here are specific comments [in editorial parentheses] on the lines quoted below:
It was frigid. [Define the “it” here—the room? The bed? The house?]
Since coming to Pakistan two months ago, Zahra had not been sleeping well,[It was not clear to me that they’d all come two months ago, rather than just Zahra. Maybe say, “Since we’d come . . .”]
scared of the bandits and the wolves that could possibly attack us while we slept. [Great—sets up the threats for the reader, too. How real are they? I don’t know.]
The shards of glass that were cemented to the top of the walls surrounding the courtyard; nor the big metal doors locked firmly; not even the fact that my uncles and cousins took turns watching from the rooftop with guns squelched her fears.[Great—These details really raise the stakes. This is real.]
Everyone shared the four bathrooms, the well, the kitchen, and ate together in the veranda. Within the courtyard, we had three cows, one buffalo, several chickens, 2 goat kids, and pigeons, which my cousins kept as pets. Everyone looked after the home and each other. [I love seeing this world.]
She had a huge mud stain on her clothes. [Good!]
In the middle of the courtyard, I saw my aunt walking to the kitchen shaking her head.[You do not need “I saw” here. We know we are in her POV. If you cut the mediation you will build a stronger sentence with a stronger verb. i.e. “My aunt crossed to the kitchen, shaking her head.” Great action, by the way—I am intrigued by what is going on.]
To my left, I saw my older cousins scurrying quietly into my grandparents’ room. [Same thing—cut mediation. Consider doing a search on mediation phrases such as “I saw,” “I heard,” “I noticed,” “I watched.” I see more examples in the sentences that follow this one.]
His usual smiling face was unrecognizable with anguish. [Good—more details?]
I agree with Sabina that the protectors seems not to agree–and this is a strong additional conflict.
Thais,
Powerful! You have a clear sense of this world. A lot of specific and unusual detail. This is a disturbing place (in a good way). I love the tension of her trying not to reveal that she’s awake as he keeps doing what he I doing.Some comments [in editorial parenthesis on specific lines, quoted below:
Kanya awakes to the loud release of the suction seal to the warehouse door. [Nice—an unepected but specific sound.]
The smell of a strong liquid blows through the air.[What kind of a smell? Bitter? Sweet? Rank? “A strong liquid” could be many things, i.e. brandy or vomit.]
Four feet. Two protectors. [Good. I like watching her calculate and figure out what’s going on.]
The slow even steps of the President Protector come in swiftly, [How are the steps both slow and swift?]
Kanya wants to turn and look where he’s standing, but she’s suppose to be drugged asleep. [Good situation.]
The pill melts in her sweating hand. [Good vivid supporting detail.]
breathes quietly and at odd intervals like he’s trying to speak with his breath. [Strong description—intriguing.]
Rapid breathing approaches her from behind. That’s the President.[Great—I love that she knows each of them by their breath. It gives a sense of one of her qualities as a hero—her unusual observation.]
The breathing of the nearby protector sounds like a moan or a “no” if he could talk. [Great—I think you can cut “if he could talk.” We get that.]
Feliz spends half his day banging his head against the warehouse wall and the other half crying in Kanya’s lap. Duo vomits in the corner and then walks away from it like nothing happened and Kanya ends up cleaning up his mess. Drag has the same disease as Klim but the illness has taken away his ability to walk. He crawls around on his arms. All boys. They sometimes take their pill early. They want the darkness. [Powerful! I shudder to think what is going to happen next . . .]
