julierappaport
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Vijaya,
There is much rich material in here. I see the eldest daughter ( you) shouldered with this monthly responsibility and how by forgetting to do the rituals you avoid having to face your father’s absence. That’s’ a great moment. I love the ideas in the first part about how far about the lunar and solar calendars get.. I think you could explore this a bit more. It’s so fascinating and could also be a metaphor for the differences between you and your father or your father and mother, perhaps? Lovely
I love the shift in this scene in terms of content. I also love all the details so that the characters are vivid and very immediate. I am still curious as to what happened before this scene and would love to read more. You also capture the way the characters interact in a believable way. The situation, the murder in the cell is compelling and makes me ask questions about who and why too. Great work.
Vijaya,
I love the image of the eyes as camera, the father’s acceptance and appreciation at the end and the tenderness. You convey very well the conflicts about him and not being able to cry but still wondering where in the world did he go- the longing for him. I love that he has changed closer to death that he finally sees all of you, it’s such a good way to leave- despite all his stoicism- you had a window into his love.
Such a wonderful homage to him that I feel he would appreciate, the way you draw your truth with you language. I will confess, that I relate to the last two lines. Where in the world do our loved ones go? It’s still the great mystery.JODY,
I love the images noted above and the great WC’s. I love all the smells. They linger. I Love the poetic quality of this and not quite understanding it but secure in the feeling that you understand and know where you are going. Is this part of the other story you submitted? It feels different. Yet there are shootings again. Very evocative writing. I think at this point I am dying to know exactly what happened. Who was shot when and by whom? At once point I thought that the narrator ( one of the sisters had been shot in Oakland, yes? )
Please let me know if that the comments in the text were not saved. I wrote a lot
Thank you Elizabeth,
I’m not sure if we are “allowed” to post questions but it would be nice to have a conversation about the comments to clarify things. The dropped subjects are intentional and a response to past salon feedback and Insights that recommended dropping the reader into the scene without too many “I’s” and “She/He’s” I guess a balance can be struck. I agree they do stand out and maybe that pulls the reader out too. Not sure how to resolve this.
hmm. perhaps there is something archetypal about this scene because I didn’t reference Forster but good to know it’s bringing him to mind.
Jody and Vijaya thank you -so helpful. I’m glad that you can relate to this scene even though these few 500 word pieces have been mostly out of order. It gives me hope somehow.
Jody: the book you are referencing is “Passage to India.” E. M. Forster one of the great writers! I read it just once a long time ago, and loved it for the writing. I remember the caves but forgot about the spiritual epiphany. I somehow remember her being very terrified. I have resisted looking at that book for fear of it influencing me too much- but that might not be a bad thing.: ) Zadie Smith’s book “On Beauty” was a redo/homage of E.M. Forster’s “Howard’s End” which I couldn’t get through for the life of me! Of course, this is, in a way, Lucy’s Passage to India- she’s on a journey.VIJAYA,
The last paragraph is so poignant and beautiful. I feel drawn in when you shift to what you see in his eyes. It seems important to everyone in the family to witness the way in which he changed at the end. Any other glimmers of that change that came before might be nice to write about so that you have the contrast to the preoccupation with work. You also build a good detailed description of what he is focused on. It seems like you are laying it out and finding your way.
Jody,
I love the details of the people you describe so well. I love the ambivalence of the author wanting a comfortable life but not quite fitting in and her commentary about how the rich live in Oakland. I like the details of that. Be careful of not putting down the characters themselves. I think the descriptions do the work for you in that realm. You might not need to use the word pretentious. I’m still curious as to why Oakland? For a job? For a change?
I love the whole tone and the way it shifts at the end. The shift pulls me in, it feels slightly mysterious and that we, the readers, are in your command. I sense a little trouble ahead, and I like that! Keep going…Vijaya:
I like the parts where there is dissonance between the mother and father. I enjoy the bits of story that you throw at the reader. Although you are addressing your father, it feels more like this is your mother’s story that you are telling. And in fact, to me, the mother’s story is more interesting than the fathers. Also, I feel the attitude and tone of the writer- who feels to me like the mother’s translator- you are telling your father things about your mother that she could never say herself. You are giving her a voice. This is interesting!Nice work Vijaya, my comments are in the text. Such rich material here. I would love to see things in scene more. You have laid the strong foundation on which to build scenes
Here is mine for jody
Jody: the writing is so fresh and alive. I am drawn right into the scene and I love the rhythm of the speech including the fun non-american words for things. : ) You have a unique vantage point being to write this from afar and it gives you power to fill in the details a little bit more. The set-up and story is so real and I am enjoying each installment.
I feel like there is so much in here to carry you through. I think at this point as I have read enough to know that this book is about the sisters …so (you maybe have already done this) but I would love to have markers to distinguish each sister. One has red hair, what else? What other physical characteristics distinguish each sister: that would help me a lot. Size, voice, color of hair etc. Strong writing, Keep moving it forward.
Jody: I took a quick look at your comments to make sure that my piece was posted. I apologize for not putting this piece in context. It is all FICTION. The job with YOWL is Lucy’s job that she recently quit to fly to India. She is on the local bus ( I wrote a long chapter about that) and flashes back to what she would have been doing at home if not standing on the bus. I am so deeply into the book, that I forget that nobody except Elizabeth and Devi ( and Thais) have a clue as to what’s going on.
