Jody-Brettkelly
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Again, I have not left myself enough time to work on the beginning. Sorry!
This is two weeks into the trip – the very messy middle of our 500 mile walk through Northern Spain called the Camino. (It’s an ancient pilgrimage, though we did not do it for religious reasons.)
Hi David,
I was so excited you were in this group because I remember your writing, sharp and so vivid.
Both the characters are so well drawn, you have that exchange down perfectly of men talking (giving each other heaps) and brothers who love each other but exasperated by each other (i’m assuming the second filling in maybe as a reader. )T
Think you’ve done a great job on the fancy car driver brother as in another environment his comments would be offensive and he would be seen as slimey but here in this town, the waitress smiles, its part of the territory.
Great start with the fancy car vs bike thing. I would normally say would like to see more in scene and let the tension shown in small things but actually the dialogue needs to move quickly and it does and I think that works really well.
Love this, easy to read and instantly can take it in without having to re-read.Hi Jennifer,
What a great read!
I love this as its grounded it fact and some scene and that it goes back to what’s happening in the room when something happens or is said. So that really puts me there with the couple and in particular this mother. Also the more facts the better, the whole picture just becomes more rounded and alive.
When the husband said OK – And even if he didn’t say anymore, that simple OK was fascinating and I wanted to hear more from her about why he didn’t need to discuss it more.Would love to hear more about her connection to Russia, a few scenes from there and what she heard about the Russian orphanages that made them different from another orphanage in another country and what was resonated and was compelling about the Russian connection.
Also fascinated that she did not feel that she need to have children biologically and would have loved to have heard more.Love all of this and really my comments are only about wanting more. And more in scene so I can see her – possible to describe her physically? Q and A is such a great way to do this and so readable and accessible
Look like i started my own thread so I am re-posting. This is the end of a small book of blog posts on Wrote walking the Camino, a 825 walk form France up through Norther Spain.
Original comment: I am putting together a book on the ten blog posts I wrote while walking the Camino, a 825km ancient pilgrimage from France through Northern Spain which took me 27 days.
Because of technical difficulties I have posted the end (!)rather than the beginning. JodyVersion:1.0 StartHTML:0000000167 EndHTML:0000001260 StartFragment:0000000457 EndFragment:0000001244
<p style=”text-indent: 0.5in; margin-bottom: 0in; line-height: 200%;”><span style=”background: #ffff00;”><span style=”font-size: large;”>Really beautiful, would loved to have know exactly what these monthly death rituals are that you have been missing. Fascinating that there is the constant touchstone of the rituals and the remembering compared to Western culture we are hastened to forget and move on. I love how you’ve started in with the calender… “the Tamil </span><span style=”font-size: large;”><i>panchangam</i></span><span style=”font-size: large;”>, the ancient Indian astrological calendar” although I still wasn’t totally sure how it differed from ours (i’m not good at understanding practical things like this and how it was the same for one day every three months?</span></span></p>
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<p style=”margin-bottom: 0in; line-height: 200%;”><span style=”background: #ffff00;”>ow, am loving all these new characters from the very english sounding Mrs Margaret Mathew, the very definite crisp sounding beds (which I’ve slept on in different countries all over the world) the intrigue of her pretending to be a magazine writer – and why exactly she is there, the fact of not being able to mention anyone’s name and then (!) the woman giving birth down the hallway. What an amazing overnight stay!</span></p>Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000167 EndHTML:0000001111 StartFragment:0000000457 EndFragment:0000001095
<p style=”margin-bottom: 0in; line-height: 200%;”><span style=”background: #ffff00;”>Love all this about your father, am looking forward to reading each of these installments every week Vijaya! Love how you provide an emotional overview and would love to read more in scene about your word for word interactions with him and how you feel with each of his words (I was thinking like that piece on the man’s three children that you brought to class, the statement and then the real details is fascinating) and how even maybe at a time when he couldn’t speak but still had a hold and power and incredible impression over you all. (Plus am longing to hear all about that disobedient daughter..)</span></p>Version:1.0 StartHTML:0000000167 EndHTML:0000001319 StartFragment:0000000457 EndFragment:0000001303
<p style=”margin-right: 0.6in; margin-bottom: 0in; line-height: 200%;”><span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’, serif;”><span style=”font-size: medium;”><span style=”background: #ffff00;”>Love that Ashes is what you wrote, when he had suggested things like the smell of your mother’s skin, your favorite climbing tree, the soft fur of a cat as you stroke his back. Dramatic and brings us right back to her and to a depth of seriousness. Love the old? Man who is helping her, was looking for more description of him and the way he moved etc. Sort of a finder of things, wisdom man, wanted to spend more time with him. Great character. Also maybe in that beat before the word “ashes” we could see her thinking about one of his suggestions (which is what I was doing….) </span></span></span></p>
<p style=”margin-right: 0.6in; margin-bottom: 0in; line-height: 200%;”></p>HI VIKAYA,
I too thought the last para was so beautiful and heart-rending.<i style=”line-height: 1.5em;”> SO BEAUTIFUL AND YET SAD, HE HAD DISCOVERED THE MAGIC AND TREASURE OF HIS FAMILY VERY LATE. Too late? I found the juxtaposition between the public man – he was a great man who did enormous good – and the private man who did not spend time with his family for years, just so fascinating. Long to hear about impact on you and your mother and read loads more anecdotes in scene.</i>
<p class=”p1″>NICE, LOVE IT, MIRROR OF HER LIFE, WISH I COULD DISCOVER THIS PLACE AND FIND EVERYTHING THAT I’VE EVER LOST!. LOVE ALL THE DETAILS LIKE LOVE THE MYRIAD OF DETAILS YOU INCLUDE AND IMAGES LIKE temple gods playing musical chairs, HUMOROUS AND RELATABLE. THERE IS SOMETHING ABOUT HER BEING IN THESE ROOMS IN THIS TEMPLE THAT MAKES ME THINK OF THAT CLASSIC NOVEL (BRITISH WRITER) WHERE THE MIDDLE AGED WOMAN ENTERS THE CAVES AND HAS A SPIRITUAL EPIPHANY EVEN THOUGH SHE IS VERY DISORIENTED. THERE IS SOMETHING DREAMLIKE AND HALL OF STRANGE MIRRORS ABOUT IT.</p>
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<p style=”margin-bottom: 0in;”><span style=”background: #ffff00;”>Vijaya! I am loving all of this – just thirsting for more more details about all of this, how on earth both your parents did all this by themselves and together. The differences between living with some power back home and now working at Holiday Inn. Also fascinated to know how he treated you, what he thought his deficiencies were and how he tried to make it up to you. Loving all this, the details everything, I can really feel all these people and just want to read on and on! Exciting! </span></p>Intrigued to find out what is going on and whether everyone else in the cave is conspiring to keep the secret
Jody comments on Julie piece – week 2- see attached
<p style=”margin-top: 0.11in; margin-bottom: 0in; line-height: 200%;”><span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’, serif;”><span style=”font-size: medium;”><span style=”background: #ffff00;”>THis was so fascinating Julie! Would love many many details of this, slowly as you walk in, what you said, what he said. It’s all an incredible set-up and situation. Would love to read it maybe as a day in your life, details of walking to work past a business that you were going to review, what you did at work and how the business had changed when you walked home. or next week.This is all so scary and remind me a bit of that claustrophobic feel of The Circle where the technology takes over the person’s life. (although in that book she has been persuaded by the powers that be that its all for the greater good.) I know only had 500 words but would love to read about the bosses, the work place, the other workers and juxtaposed with something else serene or good in the rest of your life (doing yoga or something else) love it!</span></span></span></p>Jody comments for Vijaya
<p style=”margin-bottom: 0in;”>VIJAYA, I AM LOVING ALL THIS ABOUT YOUR PARENTS – WANT more AND MORE. THINK THAT WHOLE THING ABOUT VERY LONG MARRIAGES IS JUST AN UNEXPLORED SUBJECT TODAY WHERE EVERYTHING IS SHORT TERM AND INSTANT FULFILLMENT. WANT TO SEE WHAT YOUR MOTHER LOOKS LIKE AT EVERY TURN, WHAT SHE DOES IN HER DAY. LOVE IT! DEEP AND HONEST</p>
<p style=”margin-bottom: 0in;”></p>“While adjusting the sacred Brahmin thread over his shoulder, the priest made a smacking sound with his lips and belched with such a depth that his mouth filled with the tamarind taste of his lunch.”
You do this so well! I am there and I don’t want to be! Yuuk – this is so great, the smacking sound and the belching, UGG and the tamarind taste of his lunch. Great choice of tastes because tamarind is so pretty and delicate and here has yuck overtones. Also that he has a sacred fabric over his shoulder!
“You cannot be Shiva’s bride, you’re too old,” he said. Intriguing line.
Nita had just turned thirty.
Great because we get the “You’re too old” line first and we are wondering what her age is.
“She slipped her arms through the sari top and worked the tiny buttons deftly with her long fingers. Off went the long trident wedged into Shiva’s hand, and into her skin ”
(whereabouts in her skin, am trying to imagine where tip in going, in her hand?)the sharp tip of it slid, until the blood trickled out in a little stream of red making everything better. Yes like the red making everything better
“The endorphin relief pulled all feeling out of her with the strength of an enormous receding wave.”
Both great images but endorphin is a surge – but draws all feeling out of her, tripped on this a wee bit as one is filling and one is drawing out.
The futility of whatever progress she had once made towards abstention
(this felt be a little convoluted, tripped up on it a bit)“Parvati’s face who would discover the dark drops treading all over the delicate silk fabric like muddy footprints on a clear blue sky.”
(yes because dark red does go muddy)Exciting, descriptive and the cutting really dramatic, love the delicate silks contrasted by the seering rage. Incredibly painful way to respond to anger and for most of us imcomprehensible but you have expressed it so well here. By the way have you read the first novel by Gillian Flett (the Gone Girl author) about cutting?
