[siannami]

Hi Jean,

This is such a strong piece in terms of setting up a sense of place. The contrasts between light and dark, noise/quiet, crowds/loneliness, open spaces/narrow passageways, water/land lend such specificity to May’s surroundings. All of these contrasts somehow highlight the contradictions in May’s life between what seems to be a fallow period for her and what I hope will be some type of rebirth.

I am struck by all the items May feels she must get done before she can paint and I am struck by her almost extreme need to find order in her life. You do a nice job of setting up everything on her “to do” list. She is clearly burdened by a little voice inside that is urging her to do all the chores before she can have fun — and I am so looking forward to her telling that voice off and diving into life, enjoying Italy — the art, the food, the sun, the water, the people — and letting this inspire her art. I am wondering if this will happen, and how it will happen! I would love to read more — maybe we can keep sending each other work even if we are not in the Salon? I am so glad I was able to read your beautiful writing!

Thanks for you patience. Please see my attachment below for more specific comments.

[siannami]

I am so sorry my comments will be late, Jean! I will send them later tonight. I have no excuse, only that work and parenting got the better of me this week! I am really looking forward to delving back into your vivid story. My apologies again.

Simone

[siannami]

I love the descriptive, lyrical language you use in this piece, especially the line, “The desert looked fresh to her at this angle, shimmering with heat, expansive and full of possibility.” Because I wanted to comment on so much of the writing I attached a version with my comments somewhat like Elizabeth does (is this ok, Elizabeth?). Sorry my comments are late — I have no excuse, only that work and parenting got the better of me this week!

[siannami]

Hi Jean,

You convey May’s loneliness, yet also how she prefers to be alone than in an awkward situation, so well. Her interaction with the waiter is so telling — it’s as if the whole world is shouting to her “You’re alone????” And she is unsure whether to scream “so what?” or to ask for forgiveness. You’ve created such a sympathetic, human character that I wince when she encounters painful scenarios — she is very real and I’m so invested in finding out what happens to her. I like the description of her hiding in the shadows and later, not “thinking quickly enough” and worrying that there won’t even be a table for one. May is certainly wounded, and somewhat pessimistic and in the habit of protecting herself. Maybe another juxtaposition of her former confident self — as you did in an earlier piece — would be a nice addition somewhere in this work. A one sentence flashback could easily give us a richer sense of how much she has withered since the good old days…just a thought.

I like the description of the restaurant and of Otto. He, too, seems to be inside a shell of sorts and I wonder if some connection will form between the two of them, though I am hoping for May to meet someone who might be less run down and frail! Your writing is beautiful and vivid, and somewhat cinematic — I can picture this scene very clearly and the characters, especially Otto, spring to life. Keep it up, I can’t wait to read more!

[siannami]

Hi Mollie,

Earthquake Country is a beautiful title for this and adding in a bit more imagery about the setting sounds like a great idea. Even going further in describing one single joshua tree, or cactus, or the sky would give us a greater sense of the desolate landscape Dee has found herself in…

I like the dialogue and the action in this piece — Margaret’s climbing up and Dee’s rescuing her and climbing down with her. I am so glad to see that Dee’s conscience won over — but if the stakes were a bit higher — a more dangerous dare, perhaps, or if we knew more about Margaret, what other hardships is she facing — or even if we knew something personal about Christine or Courtney — maybe something unexpected to make us have more stake in the outcome, or make us conflicted about the outcome — there might be more dramatic tension. You evoke so well the loneliness and powerlessness that school-age kids so often feel, that fleshing out each character — maybe seeing one of their parents, or a sibling, or what their houses look like — or how they talk to a teacher, or even what kind of car they get into at the end of the day — would make me even more invested in your terrific story. And just a few more descriptions might go a long way in making the characters more multidemonsional. I look forward to reading more and look forward to reading even after the salon ends!

[siannami]

Hi Jean,
I didn’t realize you had posted. I will send you my comments to this piece this week soon! Looking forward to reading more!

[siannami]

Hi Mollie,
I like the way you convey Dee’s battle between loyalty to a friend she isn’t even sure she likes that much and the mean girls — whom she doesn’t like either. The dialogue and the descriptions of Dee’s thoughts really send me to that world of the terrible hierarchies of school where compassion, kindness, and true friendship is often completely missing — a world in which young girls are attracted to what’s considered cool and popular instead of meaningful relationships or interests. I wonder if Dee will have a revelatory moment and choose to go her own way, not getting sucked into her pity for Margaret or her superficial reasons for wanting to be friends with Courtney and Christine.
Her home life is even more intriguing to me and I love the doses of humor you use to describe the atmosphere there — I laughed out loud when the mother gives both the baby and the grandma cold medicine! And the descriptions like the blaring tv give a rich sense of a chaotic, yet at the same time, lonely home. I would love to know more about the grandma — maybe from the mom’s perspective — did she ever like her? What was the grandma like when the mom first met her? I love back story, but maybe this isn’t where you want to go with your piece. Still, I’d love to know a little more about each adult in the family. What their hopes and dreams were, and what they have won/lost by moving to the desert. Keep it up, I look forward to reading more every week!

[siannami]

I like how so many of the little details slyly let the reader know that something is not quite right here: Dee’s mother’s “unwashed hair” Amy gaged on mucus and “nobody picked her up.” You deftly weave these slight phrases in and I wanted a few more of them when the mom and dad are fighting. I’d love to get more of the sense of their actions and expressions in between the lines of dialogue — or maybe the state of the house, inside and out. I am imagining it as kind of messy, falling apart, but maybe that is not the case — still I’d love to see little snippets of what the rooms look like, what is lying around the yard (or maybe it is super neat, and this would tell us something about the family too) — and maybe even what the weather/temperature is like outside, and does this external weather somehow reflect what is going on in the emotional life of the characters?

The images of the waterslide, the pool and the paper umbrellas are so real and telling about what girls of that age find meaningful. The popular girls seem mean, but somewhat innocent at the same time, and I found myself hoping that balance is going to be set off — for some reason the silly pool party seems like a perfect setting to introduce something more sinister about one of these girls or their families…but maybe I am reading too much into it?? Don’t want to get ahead of your story! When Dee uses her mother’s language (Catholic notions) to make herself more confident I can see how badly she wants to fit in and I wonder about her life back in Boston. Did she fit in there? Was she a popular girl? Was she bullied and doesn’t want it to happen again? Has she ever had a true friend? The foreshadowing at the end of the story makes me worried for Margaret and for Dee as well. Very suspenseful! You have really drawn me in and I am looking forward to reading more next week.

[siannami]

Hi Jean,
The juxtaposition between May’s “long lost fertile self” and her current self who has to talk herself out of “excuses and negative self-talk” is a powerful and very human one that really draws me into her story. I am rooting for her to have a rebirth of sorts and revive some of that passion of her younger self whose “hand could barely keep up with the tip of her pencil.” Though you use the phrase “chalky, white leftovers” to describe the Tums, this description also seems to apply to the bleakness of May’s life now, and I long for her to move into the “color, light and truth” (beautiful!) of the life she hopes to have. These short phrases convey so much about May’s loss of vitality and turn her into such a compelling character. The descriptions of the setting “soft, warm, sulfur air” “tiled rooftops” are so vivid and make me look forward to even more tactile images. I can’t wait to read more of May’s story — maybe more information about what happened after she left Yale, her early marriage, what early motherhood was like for her, but maybe this is coming up in later chapters. Keep it up — I am hooked!

[siannami]

Hi Jean,

You use such precise, elegant language to describe complicated ideas in lines like “He took the barest of essentials;” “imperfect present;” “dismissing the lie May knows she senses” and “something in the tenor of her edict, not ought or should but must, gives the lie courage.” I love how with just a few short words you convey May’s depth of thought/emotion so well. The pain of the divorce is so palpable here and the irony of the other woman being not even younger or thinner is very funny but so sad at the same time, making May seem so believably real and human. You have definitely created a sympathetic character — I’m on her side, rooting for her luck to change and I want to follow her on her journey.

The conversation about the light is so lovely, and seems to symbolize some kind of rebirth that potentially is in store for May, that it would be nice to add some description of the physical countryside and the sky as the train moves across Italy, giving us an idea of what her new life might look like. W Just a small suggestion for an otherwise very moving piece. Looking forward to reading more!

[siannami]

Hi Mollie,

Again, you evoke the loneliness of elementary school and all the hierarchies among girls that can make those years so desolate. The images of Margaret picking at her knees and the dried blood beneath her nails are such powerful images to convey this nervous character. The blood beneath the nails gives the piece a creepy tone and makes me wonder what else has made Margaret so anxious. I’d love to know her backstory — what her home life is like, if she ever did have a friend at school, if there are any teachers who know she is having problems and who try to help/find out more about her? But maybe this is coming up in later chapters. Dee’s confidence comes through nicely, but I’d love to know more about her, too. Maybe some more descriptions woven through the dialogue in the beginning of this piece giving us a more vivid picture of each girl’s characteristics and personality tics (Courtney and Christine, too) as they converse with each other.

I like the shift in both pieces I’ve read so far from school to home and I am so curious about Dee’s mom. Dee feels hijacked by Amy, but also by her mom’s reaction to Amy and all the change that a new baby and a move brings. I’d love to see more of the mom’s reactions to Amy and Dee to see how she is handling all this transition — and I’d love to know more about the mom’s rational for moving and giving up so much — but again, this may be coming later. And keep bringing your setting in — I was so moved by the Joshua Tree conversation in the first piece and the spiky bush is a nice touch this week — you can really mine the geography for this piece. Can’t wait to read more of your wonderful writing!

[siannami]

Hi Jean,

What a tender, moving piece. I teared up when May finally feels cared for — the depth of her sadness and desire for a real connection with someone is told so beautifully. I like how the piece starts out as though this will be a simple travel scene, and becomes so profound in just two short pages. You deftly show the woman on the train to be such a kind, sympathetic and capable person through such brief, yet rich descriptions and snippets of dialogue:

“They’ll all do.” Her accent is British, her eyes pools of blue-green sympathy… The woman removes a white tissue tucked into the sleeve of her blouse. “Mi scusi, a little room please,” she says, politely shooing the nearby passengers back a half step as she bends down to dab the blood with the tissue, a hint of rosewater trailing her movements.

In the space of just a few lines we learn this woman is a Brit who speaks Italian, but doesn’t mind if other people aren’t fluent, that her eyes are kind, that she is organized enough to carry tissue in her sleeves and that she smells good! What a powerful paragraph — it certainly made me want to know more about this woman (and wish that someone so lovely would show up in my life).

I liked the way May’s feelings toward the woman shift smoothly into her thoughts about her children and ex…. There is such a deep sadness underlying these scenes that it makes the encounter on the train even more meaningful, and I, as a reader want to know what will happen to May in Italy and more about what happened to her in the past — Will she be ok? Why did her marriage dissolve? Will she form a connection with someone and feel loved again? I can’t wait to read more of of your beautiful writing.

[siannami]

Hi Mollie,

This piece strongly evokes the sad, dismal place that school can be through the description of the students and the grounds. Phrases such as “dun colored hair;” “graying white knee socks;” “chain link fence” powerfully convey that Dee has found herself in a bleak situation with her only choice of a friend someone she finds disdainful. I am drawn in by the character of Margaret and hope that Dee will choose loyalty over popularity, but I have a feeling this might not be the case in the dog eat dog world you so clearly portray here. The way that you describe the popular girls and how cruel they are (I almost burst into tears at the Margaret germs part) — and yet how everyone strives to be just like them — rings so true and makes me want to read more to see what will happen to Margaret and how Dee will react. You make Dee’s home life so intriguing through subtle clues about her parents’ stance on the move, and their relationship in general. Their conversation about the trees is a particularly good use of dialogue and showing, not telling, us about the tension in the relationship. And I love the desolation of the setting which gives this story an underlying eeriness. I want to know so much about each character and can’t wait to read more.

Some questions (which may be answered in later pages…): What is Dee’s internal state? We’ve learned a lot about the feelings of those around her, and we know a little of her feelings toward Margaret, but I’d love to learn more about her feelings in the same nuanced way you use to describe the parents.

In a few instances I thought you could leave a line out: “Her mother’s eyes shone hot and accusing at her father. “Not for one second, Tom. You can’t even watch the baby for one damn second.”” I wouldn’t have the mother say anything here — her eyes seem to do the talking and make the point.
Also, “her eyes looked swollen now, as if she’d been crying.” I would omit the “as if she’d been crying.” leaving it to the reader to assume what has happened.
Just some small suggestions but overall this is such a rich, compelling story and I am looking forward to reading more!

[Author]

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