[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Simone,
Oooo boy, love the high drama mystery of curses and spells to discover — and wondering how the two lives will intersect.
So many lovely descriptions and ideas — an ordinary conversation you want to hear more of,the eyebrows and hair of Northern New Mexicans,rollerskating around a capital building,pang of despair, gold aspen, thunderclouds that build up, moving through a life they never wanted (what desperate notion!), waiting to break free and forever grieving not taking a stand that would haunt him. You create such nice moments with descriptions and interactions with photographs, too.
I have a couple thoughts. Wondering if it might be fun to read a super dry detective report and write in that staccato, sterile voice in the beginning? Just and idea.
Elizabeth has sensitized me to POV — who’s “lonely” drive?Could Dominick really imagine something as particular as Greta’s headache long ago? Or was it his own? I’m a bit confused.
I’m wondering if the general reader will know what “Cal” is — this is silly and picky, but I don’t know the pet names of universities in other states myself.
As usual, you have whetted my appetite to know more about all these people and how their dark fates weave together!
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Jean,
I’ve enjoyed again your vivid, transporting descriptions and wonderful use of language and metaphor — thick crowd, pale pink angel wings, like a small trailer (funny!), din of the crowd — I see as well as feel May navigating the complicated new city as you reveal the details of the map with its twists and turns. You show well the dimension of May’s character that is fussy and super scheduled in Italy of all places — and it seems very American in contrast — perhaps she will change from this rigid goal oriented person as she stays in Venice — great humor in her feeling a pang of delinquency (will you be casting Emma Thompson for this role in your movie?) in wanting to see art, her weakness for the Renaissance art.I apologize for being so dense, but I can’t quite picture the last image of the buildings beneath the surface of the water — are they flooded? Is the ground floor accessible? I haven’t been to Venice myself in 30 years so I can’t remember seeing this sort of thing. (I’m sorry it just isn’t clear to me here what you are depicting but maybe it is to others, so best check with them!)But I love the idea of angels and twins being important symbols to come — as beautiful and mysterious and rich as the setting. Thanks for this sensual feast of reading these past weeks!
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Simone,
Wonderfully suspenseful ending here with the mysterious arm draped around Greta’s neck.(Who is she smiling to at her right? We instantly want to know.) I love the way you juxtapose and compellingly describe the naturally pretty easy going younger Greta with the professional, made up, bleached, straightened one — lots of telling details — makes me wonder why she underwent such a dramatic physical make over . . . what happened to her psychologically? The camera is pure suspense in a box — both physically and symbolically — I can feel Caroline’s agitation when she can barely load the battery into the camera — good showing rather than telling — when emotional, it is always hard to do dumb little manual tasks, isn’t it! And as Caroline scrolls, we wonder about the story behind the pictures — could you slow this moment down and show us more pictures? more guesses and clues?( only if you think it would reveal more about Greta, or the old Greta.) I love her spread out like a butterfly amidst the aqua blue and oaks — nice imagery.
Also loved the dramatic description of the terrible fire of ’91 — nesting like atom bombs!And love the fact that she actually got scarred by the event physically — with flaming ash — nice and eerie/creepy. Will you do more with this scar imagery somehow? It is such a good, specific, telling detail.
I don’t know how to improve this — it feels very tight, scenic, dramatic and vivid (you use the word hot a couple time after the word heat — extremely warm? roasting? sizzling? simmering?) Love the many elements juxtaposed in this one piece — clouds, flames, blue water, verdant trees — poetic & creates tension, too.
Keep it up!
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Jean,
I feel for poor May –alone amidst the loud, happy chatter — just trying to feed herself and feeling judged and pushed around. I feel the anticipated disappointment and suspense of “she’s certain he’s going to tell her there isn’t a table” and I love how she is hiding in the shadows against the wall — terrified to be spotted — and of course Alistair sees her — and I like the way she wonders suspiciously if she was followed — and then unfortunately, she seated with the oil sipper — funny & tragic in that Henry James sort of way! I’m not hopeful of a good outcome with this stranger as he barely looks up, has circles, a week’s beard, disheveled hair and a wan wave — but you definitely have peeked my curiosity about him and have me hoping that May can in fact bring him back from a great distance to share his (unhappy?) story — I hope we find out more about this mysterious distant relative of Alistair’s. It’s always good to have a character that is initially off putting — that another character has to work at to like/understand.
Some minor suggestions: You’ve used both wan and wanly (maybe use thin, pale, tired, or fatigued?) Pear down dialog to bare bones of “sono sola?” just once and skip “I mean” demurring because I think we already sense that with her starting and glancing (love how the waiter finds it a grave situation to be alone and eat!)
Such fluid prose — scenes so vividly portrayed — light humor — small captivating dramas — you draw me right in each time. Keep going!
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Jean, I started a reply and lost it — anyway — love damp trickle of doubt(imagery),hard metal edges(symbolism),vow of abstinence (hyperbole) the drama of the too revealing daughter’s dress (familiar maternal dilemma, sweet and funny — and yet I’m kind of amazed she would dump it at the Goodwill without asking — seems like she’d know it would be missed),texts (revealing temperament of drama queen daughter), May’s feeling wounded (shows her sensitivity)and the humor of not wanting to tax herself to even bother with his name — says volumes about May.Also seaside wobble — there is something quaint in her way of thinking/speaking/almost from another era. but it is consistent — and makes sense. I can see her not liking cell phones and tv programmers easily. A suggestion: maybe fewer texts — just a zinger or two to get the point across? And sorry to be dense but I don’t know what SRY stands for . . .eager as usual to read more.
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Simone,
Love how it starts out slow and languid — can really see, hear, feel this moment with the sun, grass, concrete,metal creak, tires. (but I’ve never seen kids rolling in tires — how big are the tires, are they regular car tires?) You use sensory details well; love “watching designs like fireworks on the underside of our eyelids” (maybe get rid of “I peered” — mediation?) love how Jenny is going to another world (hope you will return to Alcoholics Anon reference — it is a strong symbol to put in a piece) I’m a bit confused by the “warped perspective” — not sure who’s perspective. Love description of “hot dreariness” and “miraculous blue.” I believe the moment when main character puts himself in harm’s way, does kind of an irrational thing. Will you come back to the sharp pain? Like the hesitation, gesture of kindness. and her face relaxing, his wanting to say sorry and Atnhony’ s mysterious look — this is very compelling/engaging writing to lure us quietly in and then to spin all those emotions in a few short lines! Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Simone,
I’m sucked right in: curious about this woman who doesn’t keep her promises, eager to see how difficult Ari can be later through scene/phone conversation,sympathize with her wanting to be a better sister. Love the fact that she likes all the current rage for diagnosis to avoid misunderstanding and heartache “wished she’d had a few of these acronyms to cling to” — funny/sad at same time. (I sometimes think they are false windows to understanding at just a compassionate level).
I can completely picture this beach boy/serious student and the 9 year old who is dying for connection and only manages to say “Are you going back to college?” I would like to see this whole poignant scene slow down and be played out in detail — what was tree house like? time of day? light? sounds? was this usually a happy place for them? a ritual spot to bond as siblings while the mom was sick?
It is a double whammy tragic to know the mom dies (of what? can you tell us?) and that this bright young boy is off to Vietnam (which can’t be good) and leaving behind a lonely, grieving little girl. Go Simone! You know how to set up a whole lot ‘o sorrow in a few brief words — I’m dying to know how all these unhappy events shape/warp these characters as they grow into adults. . keep us posted!
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Jean,
I enjoy the humor of your description of the guy with the flatulence and tums around his mouth — May must still be attractive. I like how you incorporate different genres — Rumi, an apartment description. I like how you aren’t afraid to use fragments if it sounds more like realistic thinking — which it does. This is a believable portrait of a woman on a physical journey, who is also on a spiritual journey and on an artistic journey — all about color, light, truth — I wonder what the title of this novella will be? And it makes me wonder if May’s mantra: the content is of no importance — how that will help her or hinder her along her journey, if that will stay with her or if she will throw it off and change it — right now she seems vulnerable and susceptible to the preachings and kindnesses of others — my hope for her is that she finds strength and clarity from inside herself if this is an upbeat story . . but maybe not! I can’t wait to read on and find out . . but I am enjoying getting to know this character and all her complexity — I don’t have any suggestions at this point — but since May went to Yale, I’m pretty sure yoga, Rumi and oil paint are not going to solve her life problems . . and look forward to seeing them unfold!
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Jean,
I feel I’m a Forster novel, that with some Woolfian stream of consciousness — the sensitive artist travelling alone in Ialy — rich description — in contemporary times — I love it, my favorite type of novel/novella. There is something wonderfully early twentieth century about “waving the little flag of tissue” and “are you on holiday alone dear?” “tipping her suitcase back” and the edic to paint the light. She feels fragile and yet determined to be strong like so many wonderful heroines. I love her painterly mindset “another dab of blue in the sky” contrasted with her desire to drag Alexander through the dirt. What an interesting and complex position to be in — having to be grateful for a generous settlement when May feels betrayed and pitied and humiliated to be replaced by “a more interesting woman” — nice twist that she isn’t the sexy younger thing — and even more wounding. I like the “whatever that meant” as we hear to trying to make sense of something that is so hard to accept. I also love “just more of the same imperfect present”. I also like how she is prompted to lie — teasing us readers with what else she might suddenly decide to do . . .keep going!
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

week 2 piece: You are so good with creating mood by place — suspended, sharp edges, piercing, harsh, imposing — I am already rooting for Greta and wanting her to find peace and sanity with her walks and her future.I enjoyed “its ridiculous red and white stripes” as a way of seeing Greta’s perspective.I particularly like how she is “dogged by a constant alertness.” I also love the description of “the monotony that would cling in a palpable film.” (ick!) I also liked the comparison with “gray as the concrete buildings below” Your dialog is very believable (I don’t like that fiance’s mother with her, My . .ugh, fake polite)and you have captured that post college moment of haphazard decision so well of career plus boyfriend confusion. (I’m wondering if you might make the comments from the rejecting boyfriend and the well meaning but wrong mother a little edgier and less nice? Only with the thought that it might increase the tension of relationships and create sympathy for Greta: maybe even add to her vertigo — just an idea, feel free to ignore!)You are creating a totally believable character here in every way, and I’m eager to read on — maybe spice up the end of this scene by showing us Greta’s strong hopes about this envelope and its meaning for her future? You give place such strong emotion, maybe you can do this a bit with objects, too?
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

oops, meant to say “silvery depths”

[Mollie McNeil]

Hi Jean,
Yes, I feel fully and convincingly submerged in May’s mind — her way of perceiving and questioning is very real and compelling. I also feel I know Isobel and Patrick — even with the briefest description: beautifully, lightly done. The appreciation of the tender gesture speaks volumes about her delicate state. I love your specific language and almost microscopic depiction of the first moments of the piece — wonderful images: “seed pearls” “hint of rosewater” blue green sympathy” “depths depths” — delicious! Can’t wait to read on . . .
Mollie

[Mollie McNeil]

Wow Simone, this sounds incredibly rich and juicy. I love the idea of “willing participants in their own downward spiral” — so counterintuitive and mysterious. Themes of rebellion, never forgiving, complex condescension in relationships and being just unlucky are all such compelling topics.
A question I have is: why did Greta move in with Caroline as a teen?
I don’t know if you want word choice level critique, but I might change “evil” and “stressful” to richer vocabulary choices that match the rest of this mouth watering description. I’m eager to read on about this tangled and dark family history set in such evocative and contrasting places.
Mollie

[Author]

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