[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi Jennifer! so sorry about this delay!!!

Would love to see you start this in scene, the scene of the family you have created, with descriptions of you, your children and your home. Or you could maybe start with someone’s comment in the playground, could be positive or negative.

This is a wonderful project …I want to feel your passion, the curiosity you felt taking on this project which I know must have taken up thousands of hours and your own ups and down and misgivings in doing it, I always love to read about how sometimes writers have doubts, that wonder and tearing hear out at the magnitude of what they have taken on.

Also to convey that very special and human wanting of a baby or a child. To want to feel that baby in your arms or hold a child’s hand and walk to the swings. The emotions, the wanting that cannot be explained, but must.

This is a really interesting line: is just as intense, confusing, frustrating, fulfilling and meaningful as biological parenting. Again if you could list all the things that are intense, confusing etc.

As a journalist I have a bit of an avertion to words like juxtapose (same with melee and myriad etc.) as someone once told me they are overused words used by kids in their college essays.

Lines like “You fit me perfectly.” are lovely and I would like to read more about that scene between mother and daughter.
I am so excited about this work giving us a glimpse into some wonderful families and I know you are too, just want to feel that more….

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi David,

Arrgh! I am so sorry! I came home last night to do comments and then had to deal with something at home and completely forgot!!!! I’m so sorry!! Apologies to Susan and you.My comments for Dad below

The dialogue again is great, you vary the speech enough of each character for us to know that each is different in their schooling and age. More about how old he is form his clothing and looks, so we can guage whether he is sinister old or just old and then we feel quite sorry for him being accused of this because he is sticking up for his family.

Just need a bit more description of what the people are doing in the room, what their physical reactions are > For example this passage of yours:

Susan reached across the table and placed her hand on Luther’s arm. “That was a very clever idea you had, Luther – arranging Bingo cards like that.”
Luther was beaming, “It come to me one night.”

Susan comes across as very sweet in this and its quite a touching moment, the reaching over and placing her hand on his arm, – and that Luther was beaming – just a small gesture but it says a lot about each of them.

Also just even the blue jump suit speaks a lot.

Love this! Intricate play of character and quick and incisive dialogue… I really feel its moving forward and as a reader that I’m in good hands!I can see the movie of this playing

[Jody-Brettkelly]

I apologise too as I’m late! So sorry! I’m usually good with deadlines

Leah and her two sisters and the CIA agent Tracy are leaving Kingi. They have seen a helicopter above the hut – the first time the helicopter has visited in three months – and Kingi says they cannot stay.

(The helicopter drops off supplies to Kingi every week – it has not been for three months which means Snow is using it elsewhere which is suspicious)

As they set off for the walk home to their parent’s house – it will take them all day – they make one more attempt to find out from Kingi where he thinks the helicopter has been in the last three months.

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi there Jennifer,
That is such a bummer that you cannot click into my comments, not sure what is going on, have not been told that before. I will post all the comments here.
She came to the meeting high. Gosh

I was told she had been exposed to meth amphetamines and crack cocaine in utero Has to read this a couple of time to realise the mother was taking the drugs, maybe put in the active rather than passive?

“You are here to see the beautiful baby? Everyone is talking about the beautiful baby. Everyone is wondering what is going to happen to her.” That made me feel really nervous.
Maybe describe her physically – what in particular was so beautiful about her?
I know that one time she came to the county office and she saw one of Charli’s sisters, who was probably about 14 at the time. She went up to the child and punched her in the arm, not in a mean way, but totally inappropriately, and said, “Hey, what’s up punk?” Like she was a peer, not like, “Oh you are my daughter.”
This is a really telling scenario, makes the point and tells you so much about the relationship
Birthmother’s mother – just say grandmother?
She came to the meeting high. Gosh, what a shock.
Love all the little scenes like the girls undressing the baby like a doll and would love to see the aunts and what they looked like and more in scene, even to describe the little outfit she put her in. Also to address the worry-concern of maybe taking on a baby that was exposed to drugs et. Would love to know where this all takes place.

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi David,
Love the Miles and Booker exchange as beautifully sets the scene for how Booker speaks, small town, as opposed to Miles,the clever boy who got away. Just enough letting us know what each is doing and it flows so well. For example the looking at family photos etc. Like how you cleverly make reference to other conversations Booker and his boss have had, so your mind easily goes back to the police station….

With Susan, would like to see more of her and what she looks like and what she’s doing. Like the teasing reference to Dr Audobon, shows where they are in the relationship, at the stage where they know each other well enough but not well enough to be done with the flirting. Also slice of his early life and probably a teenage lark? The counterfeiting, nice touch

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi there,

This is all over the place, timewise sorry.
Kingi has told Leah that the answer she is looking for may be on White Island. White Island is a live volcanic island an hour and a half by boat.
She buys a ticket on the tour company boat that travels there. She hopes to hide somewhere on the island when it comes time to return. She plans to stay the night on the island and really search it properly.

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi David,

this passage is so gripping, things are really moving and hotting up!Miles rejoined the others around the kitchen table and relayed the details of his conversation with Booker except for the part about Susan. Great line.
I would love to see what Susan is doing during all of this, she is still there during the phone conversation and while they watched CNN right?

It might confirm his suspicions of her whatever they are or not.
I found the beats and the conversations so real and easy to read and take it. Again would just love to see what Susan looks like and her reactions and the other people’s faces and some of their surrounds

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi jennifer, yes I also had a question about that first time around. Onminous and i knew you were getting to it, but maybe a couple of lines to take us out of our suspense?

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi Jennifer,
I kept scrolling down to see if there was any more I could read about Darbi! – was totally engrossed in this story – loved this one, the intro was great because it really put me there, Put up top that the more we learn about you and your relationships with these woman and your reactions to them the more we learn about the women themselves and their children.
Darbi was so full of personality and I loved how specific she was about her job – which is worth a book in itself, the things she’s seen. Just wanted to see a couple of lines about what she first thought when she saw her baby etc. Great!

Love the end couple of lines about her actions writing etc

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi there,

This is a scene from about the middle of my book Bay Of Plenty.
While solving the mystery the three sisters – once estranged – have to learn how to work together.
Leah repeats something Taylor had told her in confidence. They revert to their pre-teen selves.

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi David,
As with last week I love how this dialogue is so easy to read and quick which is important because they go from the investigation, to the peach pie to the mother and the brochure and how she has way overestimated the price of her house to Charlene who’s always on the computer. And the whole lunch goes pretty quickly, enough time for a sandwich and peach pie, they don’t really linger…
Think loads of description would slow it down but would love a flash of color here and there, just a couple of words describing what they each look like, color of the car etc would do the trick.
I really get a nice sense of the differences between the two brothers with the words, but would love to see what they look like, though that is probably in the book somewhere above this. Also we get a strong sense that they are good friends despite their differences and despite their joshing there is not antagonism between them.

Jody

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi Jennifer
Great piece so haunting about what their orphanage was like and yet I wanted to read more and more about it, as much as possible esp as to compare what their lives are like now.

When they picked up the babies not what you would expect because you would expect the children to be so relieved to be in someone’s arms they would not cry like that. Totally counterinutive and fascinating. I loved the detail of what was happening but just needed color, detail of what they are wearing, how they are saying things, etc, just a bit That would give the kids personalities and instant identities otherwise I am thinking which kids is this? and reading back (which is probably a common criticism of my novel a lot as there are three sisters.)

Also a slice of description for the judge and the other people, just one word is fine. I know this is really tricky as it’s in her words.

Jody

[Jody-Brettkelly]

I am trying to finish my novel, Bay of Plenty, by the year end, so in a panic have switched from Camino.

After being shot, a woman is thrust into a drama which takes her back to New Zealand to enlist the help of her estranged sisters and exposes her to the underbelly of crime in her hometown.
This is towards the end of the novel where Leah takes a tour of a live volcanic island an hour from her hometown beach. Instead of boarding the tour boat when it leaves, she hides on the island so she can investigate some packages she’s seen being stowed in an old miner’s hut.
Leah spends the night there and intends to board the tour boat the next morning. But it does not arrive.

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi Jennifer,
Ha! fantastic last line! Great story and incredibly brave that she and husband never had a single doubt. A really great read and I can see the parents and the children so clearly. Her certainty about the children is incredible and love how she describes them when she meets them.
Loved reading this. Its not really a subject that I’ve ever really looked into or know anything about (I only vaguely know two people who adopted) and its really intriguing and well written and translated from your conversation. Flows beautifully. Just a touch of description here and there more…

[Jody-Brettkelly]

Hi David,
You have such a great ear for dialogue and you keep it simple at all time (deceptively simple in that that that takes a lot of skill and self editing. )Great exchange over lunch, covering a crime, an old folks home and Elvis and so easily read and enjoyable. Loved it. You really have a great feel with dialogue and the flow, one brother veering off into cholestrol when he eats a sandwich. Just curious about what the men looked like and the diner a bit and the waitress and mention of some colors in their surround
Intrigued to know how his digging around is going to go – you know there are some bumpy roads ahead. Reading this is like watching a movie

[Author]

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