[Jean]

Mollie,
I love the specificity in this submission and the way Dee comes roaring back to what sounds more like her true self, brave and kind to the worthy but still sassy. There are some really lovely descriptions here. One of my favorites: “She breathed in the pure air and eyed the mountains around her glowing gold in the distance. The desert looked fresh to her at this angle, shimmering with heat, expansive and full of possibility.” Beautiful, and it feels like an important turn in the story, not only in Dee looking beyond herself for a change but also linking back to her dad in the very first submission when he said, “I love Joshua trees…They are so tough and resilient.” I like the way she echoes him in finally seeing the beauty of the desert, and it goes to your thought of “Adaptation” as a title. I also like the juxtaposition of the plastic glasses with the beauty of the landscape at the end, and that she notices how out of place they are at the moment she feels her most confident. I don’t know if you’re planning on having Dee come to some sort of understanding about her mother’s unhappiness, but I wonder if this would be an interesting place to subtly link all the drama and subsequent resolution at school with home. Good luck with your final revision of the story. I so admire the way you’ve created such a rich and intense narrative in 3,500 words!
Best,
Jean

[Jean]

Hi Simone,
What a great choice to tell some of the story of Dominik’s past through his search for clues into Greta’s disappearance! Not only does it give us his voice, but it also shows how he’s grappling for answers and how emotionally invested he is in the case. It makes the connection between the characters so personal even though he didn’t know her. I also think it’s really effective to show how he’s ruminating about how to proceed, looking at the specifics of the case from a distance at first in an impersonal way (“White female, 27, graduate student …) and then going to the highly personal in wondering if their cars passed on the road when she was going to visit her father and he his brother. Really, I think this is masterful! The only question I had here was so minor, the word choice “despair” when he noticed the aspens turning to gold, wondering if it was more a longing or sadness for the past. I’ve so enjoyed being introduced to all the characters in your novel and wish you the best in your writing of it!
Jean

[Jean]

Hi Mollie,

I love the description of poor Margaret trying to climb the thorny tree, and the truly awful girls down below who don’t even react when she appears to be in genuine physical danger. They’re so awful, but isn’t it a sad truth that some girls at that age can be! I wondered what Margaret’s motivation was in agreeing to climb the tree. Does she really want to be in the club, too, or is it purely to make Dee happy, to have a friend, which is heartbreaking! It would be great to see Dee feeling a little more tortured by the whole scene as well.

Up to this point Dee seems to be going along with the mean game with little intrusion from her own conscience, but she comes to her senses when she sees that Margaret is potentially in real danger with the scorpion. She looks at Christine and Courtney, who don’t react to it at all—they seem detached like her mother does. This is the point Dee decides she doesn’t want to be in the club, which felt a little abrupt in terms of her change of heart. I wanted to know what she was thinking about the other two girls specifically at this point to better understand the turn in the story, just briefly: did it upset her that they were so detached given the scorpion, or disgust her, or did she finally see that they were beyond mean, that they were actually heartless and dangerous? And if so, is this how she also sees her mother? I was surprised that Dee agreed with Christine “in some ways” about Margaret acting like a baby; I see the parallel between Margaret and Amy (in the sense that they’re both “babies” in different ways) but I wonder if it would be interesting to explore it a little more from the angle of innocence and purity along with the great physical imagery you already have (the tears, the running nose). Maybe this goes to your question about making Margaret more likable: if you give her a few distinct admirable qualities, such as good heartedness (which you’ve already done a bit of with the cookies in the last submission, for example) and had Dee wrestle a little more with her conscience (she threw the cookies away, but did she feel a little guilty when she did it since it was nice of Margaret to give them to her?), her leap to Margaret’s side in the end could still feel unexpected but at the same time inevitable, which I think would be a great place for the story to land in the end. Maybe Dee is the one who picks up the pink glasses and snaps them in two!

And I do like the title, Earthquake Country!

Jean

[Jean]

Hi Simone,
Gorgeous imagery in this piece — the entire first paragraph, with the hot winds in the present moment, “the type of weather” that makes Caroline anxious, and the flashback to the fire, which so beautifully sets up the end when Caroline is looking at the photos and shifts from how well Greta looks in one of them, and then the foreboding when she sees the arm draped around her neck! In between, I love the description of Greta’s shadow spread out like a butterfly, stunning and appropriately eerie at the same time. The description of the “healthy and happy” Greta is so moving, and perfectly dovetails into “This Greta had been missing so much longer than three days.”

Given all this wonderful detail, it might be interesting to have a wee bit more of the same in the second paragraph when Caroline is scrolling through the photos before she gets to the one that catches her attention; did they appear to have been taken over time, in many different settings, or in one place, which is why Caroline knew the scene had changed when she got to the 48th photo? What kind of photos did Greta take – group shots of friends, etc? Were there repeats of any particular faces that caught Caroline’s attention? Since she kept “studying the faces,” I think it would be interesting to have just a few more snippets about them. When she gets to the 48th, what about the light makes her think it’s early evening?

Looking forward to reading more!

Jean

[Jean]

Hi Simone,
This is such a strong scene with the two brothers—I’m reading Anthony as the evil twin! The blend of images is really powerful, alternating between nostalgic and haunting, the innocence with the worry about the AA house, the clear sense of dread at the end with Anthony and “a look on his face that made me sick.” Even the nostalgic images are tinged with something darker, particularly because a child on a swing evokes something so innocent and yet the way you describe it is filled with a sense of foreboding: “For a time I had heard a noise in the far distance, repetitive, back and forth, metal creaking against metal” and “Jenny’s eyes were closed and she stretched her feet on each upswing to take off in flight, through the air, to some other world. The small canyon was completely silent except for the sound of the swing …” and “Jenny flew high above it in a warped perspective. Her chestnut hair flew out behind her and caught the light. She looked like she might escape this hot dreariness and disappear forever into the miraculous blue, and this made me suddenly angry…” Really strong, beautiful writing! Of course I’m dying to find out more about Dominik’s relationship with Anthony. All the twins I know have such interesting relationships: one is often bigger or stronger or better in school or more sensitive and so on and I’m really curious to know who is what between these two brothers. Just the way Dominik describes the world around him (colors, sounds), shows his tender nature so clearly. I wonder if it would be interesting to see Anthony do one very subtle not so nice thing in the scene, perhaps when they’re lazing in the grass, to differentiate his behavior from Dominik’s and to hint at what might be coming. It’s just a thought, since really I think this is such a well-drawn piece of writing!
Jean

[Jean]

Hi Mollie,
I really liked seeing Dee struggle with her conscience in this submission, first when she feels “a prick of remorse” after telling Margaret to meet her after school to climb the tree, and also when she recognizes that Margaret “meant well” and wrestles with telling her the truth. I also loved seeing some of her observations about her mother, particularly “Her mother’s grouchiness seemed endless” (wonderful!). The dialogue is also doing so much great work in moving the story forward and showing character at the same time: the cold medicine, which says so much about the mother (what was her tone when she said this?}, and then the great line, “We’ll be renting, Dee, not building,” her mother constantly putting a damper on all of Dee’s hopes. Since you give us a peek into Dee’s thoughts about Margaret, I’d love to know a little more about how she feels about her family. She seems to share her mother’s negative feelings about the baby, but what about her grandmother? Was she close to her once and now sees her greatly changed because of her dementia? When she says “Trying to” I was wondering what her tone or expression or gestures were, and when she scowls at her baby sister, and says “Baby’s ruin everything,” I was wondering if her feelings about her were more complicated, i.e. she loves her but she’s a nuisance? A couple of tiny things: I wasn’t quite sure what Courtney meant when she said “You’ll figure it out” and I wondered if “Back at home” meant after school. Can’t wait to read more!
Jean

[Jean]

I apologize for all the formatting stuff! I’m not sure why that happened …

[Jean]

<p class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’;”>Hi Simone,</span></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’;”>I love getting deeper into the complex history of the characters in your novel with Caroline’s story. You mentioned in your note that each section is going to be filled out with more details, which is great, so my questions are really of the “what’s going to happen next” variety! This already has so much good tension in it:  Caroline and her guilt about not checking in on her brother Ari, the walk and lunch Caroline is about to go on with Ari, dipping back into their childhood when all the problems started, with the tragedy of their mother’s illness and death and Ari leaving school and going to Vietnam. I assume he was drafted? If so, how long after he found out about his mother did he get the notice? Did he make a conscious decision not to try to avoid it so he didn’t have to face his mother’s death? Are some of his troubles PTSD related because of what happened to him in Vietnam?</span></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’;”>I was really moved by how happy they were before (Ari coming home for winter break and swinging Caroline over his shoulder) and then the complete reverse after he sees their mother. Therefore, it seems from what I know so far that Ari had a happy childhood (but I could be wrong!) and the trouble didn’t start until he was in college with their mother’s illness; I was wondering what it was like for Caroline up to the age of nine when all this happened, and then what it was like after. Did she spend the rest of her childhood alone with just her father after her mother died and Ari left? It would also be interesting to know what Caroline’s conversation with Ari was like when she did finally call him about going for a walk and having lunch. </span></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’;”>Can’t wait to read more!</span></p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”><span style=”font-family: ‘Times New Roman’;”>Jean</span></p>

[Jean]

Hi Mollie,

So many complicated choices! Things are really heating up in the story with this latest installment. To begin with, there’s the growing conflict between Dee’s parents. You’ve given her mother legitimate grounds for being upset (feeling like she was forced to move to a place she didn’t want to live, the dad expecting her to take care of his mother as well as two children). She tells Dee to make her own choices, and then throws it back at her husband when Dee’s choice isn’t a good one, pointing out the decision he made to move the family. She really lashes out in this scene,  going as far as seeming to wish she’d had an abortion rather than another child (which makes the word “bickering” feel kind of gentle). Though clearly she feels decisions were made for her (the move, etc.), it would be interesting to hear from her why she felt powerless to refuse. And then there’s Dee trying to figure out where she fits in at school. Her mother wants Dee to make her own decisions, and yet she also is letting Dee make her own mistakes that she will have to learn from, too. I like the way you’ve twisted this around when Dee repeats her mother’s words about “ridiculous Catholic notions” at school; she seems to be heavily influenced by her mother rather than truly making her own decisions.
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Dee’s mother is so upset that I’m curious about her motivation and wondering what she was like before they moved. Does Dee remember her being happy, softer, then changing drastically when they moved? Or does her mother have flashes of being okay now as well, or if not being okay, at least showing some vulnerability beyond angry outbursts, like she did in the first submission when she went into Dee’s room to sleep?</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>You’ve really set up a fascinating tangle of conflicts and I’m looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds!</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Jean</p>

[Jean]

Hi Simone,
Wonderful voice and details! I love the entire first descriptive passage and how it at once so vividly sets the scene but parallels Greta’s state of mind (hard edges of city vs. green space, teaching job she doesn’t like vs. dream to write). Then the bit of dialogue from her fiancée’s mother is so perfectly passive aggressive and well placed and goes to how little support she has around her. Love “the dull monotony that would cling in a palpable film” and at the end of that paragraph the words defeated, hasty and fearful which so perfectly describe her emotions. Very funny when Great thinks “She had?” after her mother says something about liking little kids. You also do such a great job with dialogue placement and not over setting it up.

A couple of questions: I wondered if Greta saw the possibility of going to New York as a way out of the safe path her mother suggested, i.e. was she excited about it, did she dream of what she might do there? Maybe another beat here? It might give another good peek into her state of mind. Also, in the final paragraph, it might be interesting to know what about Greta makes her think it’s better to keep going than quit the teaching program. Has she quit things before?

Thanks for sharing! I’m looking forward to the next 500 words!
Jean

[Jean]

Hi Mollie,
I love the way you’re developing all the complicated relationships in your story. Dee’s sense of longing to be included is so palpable in the first paragraph when she’s sitting with Margaret and watching the other girls play, and then the dialogue, which is great. Just when I’m feeling so sorry for Margaret, she gets judgmental (“Don’t say geez. It’s sacrilegious”), which is so perfect in how it complicates her. Judgmental friends are so difficult! It sets up Margaret’s next bit of dialogue well, when she’s trying to warn Dee not to leave the school yard but her voice also has a little bit of a scolding edge to it. I love the details in that scene, when she slithers under the bush, etc. It does so much work in showing how desperate she is to please Christine and Courtney. I like Dee’s sweet innocence when she wonders whether she can have “two different groups of friends at school.” She’s trying so hard to find her place, and then how great at the end to show how little support she has at home. Clearly she can’t talk to her mother about her problems, which sets the story up well for future conflict. I did like the flash of vulnerability you showed with her mother in the first submission when she came into Dee’s room to sleep, in contrast with her anger, and it will be interesting to see how that develops.

I couple of little things: I wondered about the ball and the wind and the word choice “tossed it” which sounded like more of a deliberate gesture than something the wind would do, i.e. blow it over the fence. Also, when Dee comes home that night, it might be interesting to make the itching from her rash part of the action by moving it up into that first sentence: “That night, as Dee scratched the itchy rash that was blooming on her legs, she wondered hopefully … “.

Thanks for sharing! I’m looking forward to reading more!
Jean

[Jean]

Hi Simone,
You’ve set up such an intriguing start to your piece with this wonderfully tangled sweep of family history! It feels sort of like a big game of Clue where everyone is a suspect at this point. You already have me guessing and I can’t wait for you to surprise me. I love the dark mood you evoke with the “downward spirals,” the rebellions against tradition, the marriages that fall apart, the complicated relationships that seem to follow the family from one generation to the next. I also really like the straightforwardness of the line, “There was enough drama between these five people and their ancestors to fill an entire novel, and that was what Greta was trying to do the year she turned 27 and was a creative writing student at San Francisco State.” It’s wonderfully vague and so fertile with questions you get to answer. And then the mystery of Greta’s disappearance and the search for clues in her writing. The whole idea of digging into these diaries and manuscripts is so intriguing, especially since she was working on a novel so they have to deal with the fact that a lot of what she was writing might be fiction, which only thickens the plot further. I have all kinds of questions at this point about the letters, the “various reasons” Greta’s aunt wants her to return to the southwest, why Greta wants to break up with her boyfriend, and so on and am looking forward to reading more as you untangle the mystery.
Jean

[Jean]

Hi Mollie,
I love the way you build on the tension Dee is feeling from the first scene to the next: at school when she’s so anxious on her first day that she thinks Margaret’s erasing is an earthquake (and the way her mom’s voice comes in here), and then when she goes home and there’s all the tension that’s about to erupt between her parents. You show the way her mom and dad are such opposites so clearly through their own words and actions: “the strangled heads” of the trees versus seeing them as “tough and resilient” and then her mom’s wonderful line, “He’s locking her in with me.” This is all such a great buildup to her explosion when she yells that she can’t leave the baby alone with the dad for “one damn second”. Her unhappiness is so palpable and when she tells Dee “… you’ll make good choices in your life, Dee. You’ll make your own decisions…” I as the reader am so hoping she’ll continue to be kind to Margaret but suspect she’s going to be pulled into the lair of those mean girls! You’ve set this moral conflict up really well.

A few reader questions: I’d love to know a tiny bit more of what Dee’s thinking in the beginning when she’s looking at Margaret with her greasy hair and dirty socks. You give us her “surprised” reaction to how vigorously she uses her eraser but does she wonder why Margaret is so unkempt? Does it make her feel sorry for her right away or repel her a little? When she felt “obliged” to help Margaret walk to the nurse’s office, did she feel empathy or did she do it more out of a sense of duty? When she goes home she repeats the “germy” reference the mean girl said at school, which is so great because I sense she’s really not sure if she wants to be Margaret’s friend or not, but I wondered what she was thinking when she said it, if it was something she really believed, too. Her dad thinks she’s joking, but is he irritated with her mom for taking her seriously or with Dee for saying it? You’ve really created a compelling situation and I’m looking forward to reading more!
Jean

[Author]

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