Elizabeth
Forum Replies Created
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Replies
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Simone,
Great—I love the positioning of this last reveal, the low point followed by the discovery. It does make me want to know if this is the “someone to the right” and to be clear that this was someone not in the picture. I love the tone of this work—the layers of mystery, relationship and family history, and the way you always use setting so powerfully, so that it’s both literal and resonant of larger themes and emotions.
I am very curious how this all fits together, builds and resolves. The sense I have with each piece is that these characters—Greta, Caroline and Domick—will have their lives changed by these events, and that they all need a dramatic change, though perhaps not the change they are capable of effecting on their own. How they will intersect and change each other feels vital and shifting—a powerful incentive for reading on. Have you put together the pieces you have? This is, I think, your next task, if you have not.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
This is a powerful ending, Jody. I love it. Amazing that you did it through smell. And I can see how much you know about this story, about the past, the plot and the future, about these characters. So vivid!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Quick additional question, Vijaya–This says “Modern Love” in the heading. Are you thinking of shaping it for the Modern Love column?
Devi,
I am dying to know what is going on here. I am thrust into the middle of action, but I can tell the stakes are high and a lot is going on. I love the setting and the great details throughout, and the surprise turns and intrigue.
You’ll see that I edited a bunch of mediation out of that final scene/ image. We know we’re in Dia’s POV, and the action is strong.
Fabulous scene!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Mollie,
This is masterful. The complexity and layers of emotion, delivered through specific dialog and actions, are powerful. Bravo! Dee has dug herself into a hole (so to speak), and she’s so torn—it’s suspenseful. Margaret is a wonderful combination of completely annoying and victim trying too hard. It all speaks of the worst of school.
The story is building well. I love the mother and home situation in the background, too, and the mother’s inability to notice what is going on.
Power on!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Great turn at the end here. In the midst of action, seemingly drawing to a close but also building, we have an unexpected new ingredient.
This is a beautifully written and deeply engaging scene, Simone. Just slow down at the end here, because you’ve got us hooked and each detail resonates with meaning and import. We’ll stick with you.
I marked a couple of words that repeated close together. No rule against this but see if it works for you. I love this scene and think that the interweaving of your characters—Greta and Carolyn and Dominik—builds wonderfully.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Thais,
I have to say, I sense your frustration about the word limit. I think you probably know that you should never submit something that ends mid-sentence, either. Yes?
This is a funny, wonderful piece. I love the move from terrified to self-righteous angel to overwhelmed (regular) mom of two!
I think this final line (the one that’s complete) would be an amazing place to end. I’d move Trader Joe’s to earlier, and build to the crisis and rushing out of the store. That’s your climax, and the point of the story, really, and just a powerful punch. You can probably put the other stuff first somewhere if you need it—unless you’ve got another douzy of a story coming in the last 184 words . . .
Break a leg! Awesome that you are doing this!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Jean—I love your beautiful writing and May. Isobel is funny, and I love May’s vow of phone abstinence and her almost immediate desire to break it. I am on her side and want something to shift for her. It’s so intriguing to see her go into mom mode and then out again. To juggle all of that.
I cut one mediation and grappled with some juxtaposed metaphors, but mostly I just want to know what will happen to May!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Vijaya—This is rich, powerful material—I think you know this. I love the juxtaposition of his last week, of his eyes following his family, with the decades of public service, work and meetings without much time for the family. There is so much here. Each piece could be a door—the temple, the retirement home, the dowries and what happened to them. (Your own “Fiddler on the Roof” story.) I am so glad you are writing this material and, especially after our discussion last week of the ways the two responses hit you—the naysayer and the celebrant of your writing—I want you just to protect the flow and let it happen. There may be many stories, essays or books in this . . .
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Jody,
I love the voice throughout this piece—so observant and witty and sharp(-tongued). I believe that I know them just enough, in the same way the family might feel it knows them just enough—who would want to know them more? And yet there is a promise here, too, that they matter to the story in some way And given that your heroine is going to be shot in this neighborhood, I think indeed they will matter. This is very rich, this piece, layered. Sets up a whole social landscape and promises that your mystery is going to tackle these issues in some way. How does that sound to you?
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Julie,
This adventure is great. I love the ideas here—lost or found, etc. Important and resonant with all of us. I love her being forcefully guided away from Nita. Does she worry about this? I love all the details and could take more! I am excited to see what happens next, to see if she can find some cure here, some shift . . .
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Sabina,
This is an amazing and powerful and courageous scene. You really made me cry. And you created such a vivid picture. And wove wisdom and emotion in. I understand why the moment of his death is given in summary, but everything else here is so specific and powerful, each detail carries to much weight and meaning, that you might try to give that moment some of this power.
It’s so important to write about the things that happen to lots of people but that no one talks about. This is the power and importance of books in our lives, isn’t it? And even for people who haven’t experienced the specific tragedy, the emotions are powerfully resonant. Bravo on the courage it took to create such a moving piece.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
You’re kidding. Arg. Trying again. Please name your doc starting with your name and including the week (i.e. Thais Week 3). Thanks!
Sabrina,
Very sad and moving scene. I love the sister’s empathy and what she does and what she cannot do. I love seeing their relationship in action. Keep digging into the details of the place and the people. The situation has emotionally high stakes and so we can linger a bit and build the world more. At times it seemed you were hurrying through certain events. Not that everything needs to be drawn out, but think about what is important to the story, and layer detail onto that.
I feel so engaged with the sisters and the situation (though I barely begin to understand what is happening with the baby). Powerful!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Devi,
I love the passion in this, the power of feeling. And I love the crowds and their questions and clothing . . . I have the sense that things are coming to a head. Still, as marked, I wanted a little more clarity in the imagery, in the flow of the sentences at times. I know you can do that without losing the passion and power!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
