Elizabeth
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Sabrina,
I have chills. I think that you can put together a short story out of the sections you’ve shared in Salon. I realize that it is part of your novel, and that is great. But it also will work as a stand-alone story, which means that you can polish it up and begin to submit it. For that, I would think about what else is going on with the sister, about the cross-currents that roll under the main story about losing and yet keeping Ibrahim. What else is the story about? It’s about sisters, about their relationship, about the ways in which they switched roles, and that was hard but also lead to a deeper connection. Yes? I think short stories usually have these cross-currents that creates whirlpools of emotion and energy. This is very powerful—a good piece of your novel and a piece that can precede it into the world. Bravo!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Thais,
Your confidence as a writer has grown tremendously and comes through on the page. You have built a world here and characters and conflict. There is some lovely and powerful imagery here (not withstanding my questions about the final image). As for that final image, maybe this turn in her mood has to be more significant—it is what will keep her going—to matter to me. She seems so strong and determined as she is walking away, even feeling it’s just her and the baby. How, then, does the feeling of not being alone change her and her actions and situation?
I love the continuing journey of Kanya. I can really see her growing—and not just her belly!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Simone–That’s absolutely okay. I wouldn’t make a new rule only for me! I appreciate the end note appearing here so it’s easy to see the main points, but it became quickly burdensome to expect all notes here–so the attachment is fine!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Mollie,
This story has a lot of power, a lot to say about friendship and family, too, about what we make of our situations.
You asked about the mother’s unhappiness—I have heard pieces in craft and read maybe a piece of it here, so I am not sure of the weight and balance of it in the story as it stands. I think it’s a great element, a cross-current, though. I would focus on making the connections through images and actions rather than through ah-ha moments in Dee’s head. As you slow down a notch and develop the choreography of Dee’s tree rescue of Margaret and then Margaret’s carrying of Dee, I think you will have opportunity to give physical clues (carrying! Babies!) to the overlaps and lessons without Dee having to think it all out as a way to signal us. You are pretty close already I think.
I love the imagery and action here, and the turn, which builds to Dee’s commitment to Margaret as different from the others—not just a human being in need of rescue, but a better person, someone worthy of being a friend.
Think about what you want the cross-currents to say. What does Dee learn that maybe her mother does not know about alliance, about forgiving people’s foibles, the right foibles to forgive . . . ?
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Mollie,
I am stopping here (at about 540) because I just realized that this is well over the word count. I am not sure why you submitted over the word count, but I hope you do not do this with journals, as it will alienate editors.This was taking me longer than it normally takes me to edit a 500 word piece, and that clued me in.
My main notes are the POV problem and the need to slow down, to give us more specific images from Dee’s POV. (Some of what Jean and Simone raise have to do, in fact, with this distance from Dee’s POV in the last scene before her change of heart.)
You’ve got a great set up and this is a strong climax. The connection she makes between these girls and her mother is a powerful way to tie the story together and to show her making change in both threads through her actions in this one. (I did wonder if there was more to the mother thread than I remember–more scenes.)
I’ve glanced over the ending since hearing back from you via email, and I love “Dee felt better about herself than she had in weeks,” but worry that Margaret’s breaking the glasses is a bit facile. It may be a matter of pacing and beats—for example, moving Margaret’s action into the middle of her dialog. (Jean had a suggestion about this final action, too. I think slowing down with the ending a bit will help you find the exact right note/ action.)
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Vijaya,
This is powerful and important writing. I had, at first, the hope that you’d gone back to the second person outpouring, but then I thought, maybe this is still from the initial well. Try it. Allow it. Go back to it, even if at first it feels artificial or forced.
I love the transformation in Appa that you describe. Amazing—and that moment when you look away. And yet, you are still looking, still seeing. Very powerful.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
@Thais — Five years!?! That is amazing. And look at how far you’ve come with your writing career. Thrilling. E.
Devi,
I like this set up—maybe move it up and let it play out rather than tagging it on after we know the whole thing. It almost feels like you wrote deeper into the scene and figured out a lot and now can put it into order. There is so much here that is wonderful and rich, funny and intriguing. I especially LOVE how flawed and reckless Dia is—she’s both sympathetic and well set up for a character arc.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Sabina,
I love this narrator’s voice, her sensitivity and also her need for her big sister who took care of her. This is a very moving and difficult scene. The scene itself feels very true, but just sketched in. Dig into the specifics—you’ve got the whole scene mapped out, now bring it more fully and specifically to life with concrete detail. This is important, beautiful work.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Julie,
Wow. This is quite a journey. I love where we’ve ended up here—that she is looking for the ashes. I was caught up in her missing home, and in the babies(?) she’d lost, and then we got to this major plot thread, and the chance that she’ll have conjured them—and I just find it an exciting, gripping turn. Well done.
I have a handful of smaller notes in the margins. Can’t wait to see what happens—with Nita, with the ashes, with Rebecca.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Dear Devi @dlaskar —
It’s fine to copy and paste your end note into this window, but please do at least that. Thanks!
Elizabeth
Thais,
It’s thrilling to see things move quickly in a big new direction! I love the arc of this moment.
I think you have to be careful of Klim’s sudden appearance at the key moment. Funnily enough, if you have her doing more herself, and he swoops in at a key moment when her efforts have gotten her only so far and she’s stuck—somehow, Hollywood styl—that will not seem like as much of a coincidence as his just happening to be hanging out and telling her where the ladder is and how to escape. Think that through a bit more.
I got a little confused between the dad and the guy unconscious on the floor—I think this may be in part because you’ve made some changes, but also because they play similar roles, yes?
Overall, you are building a vivid world and a suspenseful tale!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
I love the confidence of your voice, of May’s POV. Her discomfort here penetrates me, and yet—Alistair’s pleasure (“more than she deserves”!) feels so vital to me. I hope for her—something. A lot. The stakes feel high through, I think, the clarity and authority of the voice and through May’s slightly defensive dignity, perhaps. Her great ability as an observer that yet fails her when it comes to she herself.
Great work, Jean. Keep going!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
