Elizabeth
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Jennifer,
I love that you tackle the big questions head-on. This final paragraph leaves me choked up, very moved.
As always, I want MORE of you. You are the guide on this journey. I believe you are going to tell your story as well, but even in the introduction, I think you must introduce us to you, and to the concepts and framework of the book.
The opening was a little rough with a few too many assumptions, though this introduction builds powerfully and becomes very moving at the end.
In the earlier parts I wanted a little more story—moments in scene that deliver your point and build the stakes for this important book.
The introduction gets stronger and stronger as you get very specific about your perspective and your strategies and even your assurances to the reader.
Bravo for making such tremendous progress on this very important and moving book!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
P.S. David’s idea about including someone’s story who goes through a certain amount of the process and does not adopt is really interesting . . .Jennifer,
I love that you tackle the big questions head-on. This final paragraph leaves me choked up, very moved.
As always, I want MORE of you. You are the guide on this journey. I believe you are going to tell your story as well, but even in the introduction, I think you must introduce us to you, and to the concepts and framework of the book.
The opening was a little rough with a few too many assumptions, though this introduction builds powerfully and becomes very moving at the end.
In the earlier parts I wanted a little more story—moments in scene that deliver your point and build the stakes for this important book.
The introduction gets stronger and stronger as you get very specific about your perspective and your strategies and even your assurances to the reader.
Bravo for making such tremendous progress on this very important and moving book!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
P.S. David’s idea about including someone’s story who goes through a certain amount of the process and does not adopt is really interesting . . .Jody,
This is getting wonderfully entangled. I also love the imagery, gestures, short hand dialog.
I did not know why Leah was withholding wha Kingi said to her—maybe because Tracy lied? Okay, if I know this as a reader already, then no need to give us her thinking.
I am a little nervous about this last line—I hope she has a good and important reason, even if she’s blocking it right now.
I love the revelations, Kingi coming up and giving her information. Makes sense after they bonded in the earlier scene. I love the physical trial of walking all day without water.
Keep the physicality of the helicopter present while it’s around.
I had a question about Tracy’s motives in his first line to Kingi, and I was shocked but intrigued by the suggestions of the dip into the future and Kingi’s death . . .
Just great material. You are powering through. Keep at it!
Warmly,
ElizabethDavid,
Things are getting wonderfully involved here, and I love it. Luther is a great character, and the discovery that he’s actually trying to help people is a nice twist. Of course, they believe him a little too readily for my taste.
Overall, my notes focus on two things:
1) As always, I want to see much more. Miles is making key assessments and decisions about Luther, based not only on what he hears but on what he sees and how he feels about what he sees. We need to see the key details, too!
2) Miles seems to serve Luther’s purposes too often, asking the perfect next question to allow Luther to say what he wants to say. You know what’s coming, but remember that each person in the scene has his own agenda. Let each stick to it, working often at cross-purposes. I hope my detailed marginal notes will help with this.This is a great story and well-written. Power on, David! That bird will be rescued yet!
Warmly,
ElizabethDavid,
Exciting submission! I love being embroiled in the case and having some surprise twists and turns for Miles. The characters and their voices are great. I was also pleased that he had his own hesitations and demands—he’s getting a little backbone.
I wanted a little more interiority from Miles. I tend to preach against excess reliance on interiority—it can trend toward telling—but in your case there is no danger of that. Give us a little more access to Miles’ thoughts, especially as he grapples with dilemmas and makes decisions or thinks things through.
I also noted that given his single-minded focus on finding the bird, his cluelessness about what Luther might be suggesting he could help him find seemed disingenuous. This is one such place where interiority might help.
I wanted to see the characters a little bit more. I made marginal notes about this, about the beats. You really hit it just right in some places, too.
Great build here, and I love the surprise of his own arrest story—can’t wait to hear what happened!
Warmly,
ElizabethJennifer,
One of the wonderful things that is happening is that I am getting a sense of the cumulative effect of these stories coming one after the next, all these ways to find your children and make a family. It’s really powerful and lovely and also complicated and sometimes dramatic. It’s the juxtapositions that are creating a build. At the same time, each one is so individual and quirky, I wonder what individual advice readers can take for their own journeys. Will you provide any tips or suggestions or guidance? On the other hand, maybe the stories are enough, the shared and yet very different experiences.
I was glad for the interaction with the children. All of those external descriptions that give us a sense of the scene in which these stories are being told really help me connect to and also visualize the characters.
I wondered how old the sisters were and how they happened to be in on the process. Were any of them living with the mother?
Great story. I would definitely read on! I want to read the whole book!!
Warmly,
ElizabethJody,
I LOVE that she has a plan and is carrying it out. It’s just thrilling. Really illustrates how vital narrative becomes when a motivated character enacts a plan. I am hooked.
I also love the setting and the characters and the voice and language.
There was only one line and about three words that I just didn’t understand, even in context.
I made a few tweaks, and it’s hard to tell about the arc of the whole scene without seeing it, but this bit is set up brilliantly.
I love her observations about her culture, coming back as a visitor. I love her humor. And I love the details and obstacles and goals of her plan. That plan is the engine of the scene, and the earlier you bring her planning and taking action into the book, the more access you’ll have to the power of the motivated character with a plan.
Bravo!
Warmly,
ElizabethJody,
I love this, too. It is funny that both your scenes this week feature bashing on the back. Anyway, the characters of the sister and then the parents are wonderful. I love the dialog at the end, the parents refusal to attend to her complaints. I love the action of the scene. I love how quirky it all is.
You’ll see that I had about four little points of confusion, marked in the margins.
I also noted a couple of places where you can cut mediation (I watched, I heard) and instead find strong verbs for the true subjects of the sentences (that being watched or heard or felt).
There’s just a great energy to this scene. I think racing toward a deadline is good for you. You’re doing terrific work.
Warmly,
ElizabethJennifer,
It’s great to see another story. It gives me a growing feeling for the book as a whole. I feel like I’ve read a book with this format of interviews about birthmothers, funnily enough. Anyway, I love how much of the speakers comes through in your descriptions and then the voice in the piece. I love any detail I get about the scene, and would even love a little more placement in the physical world. Where are you and Darbi and Justice sitting as you talk?
I am hooked by the comment about being amazed she’d do a second adoption after what she’d been through with the first. That makes me have to keep reading to find out what happened.
I love the way all these women come into your life and the way your kids interact.
I marked a few things—a place where I was confused, a place that seemed off in terms of your voice, and a comment about punctuation and parenthesis.
I am curious if you will tell your story—I think you said you would—and how you will do so.
This is a great project.
Warmly,
ElizabethDavid,
This is a great section. The dialog in the beginning is a lot of fun with an undercurrent of tension—romantic tension.
It’s exciting to see the plot moving with the developments about Luther and suggestions about Susan, but I’m also waiting for Miles to bring something to the mystery table. Isn’t he our amateur sleuth, perhaps along with Susan? He found the initial evidence of murder in the tape, with her help. So does he now just go along with everything he hears, even jumping to conclusions on the basis of the police’s actions before any verdict has been rendered? When is he going to be motivated to take action on his own? What is he driven by, and what action is he taking to get it? There is a lot at stake with a murder and the bird, but we need to see evidence that it’s at stake for Miles, and that means he has to take action. How far are we into the book? I think we need to ramp up his sense of urgency and force him to take more action. He’s a mild, lovely guy, and he might not jump into gear right away, but then the story has to push him there . . . Yes?
The writing is witty and warm and wonderful, as are the characters. The voices are so strong. And the plot is moving—but make sure it gets Miles moving, too.
Warmly,
ElizabethJody,
This is such a strong scene. You’ve really developed it since I first saw it. I love her schemeing to get off the island and her imagining her parents’ conversation, and then dismissing it altogether. High tension and moving, too. I could use a few more physical details from the island–what is she walking on when and after her jandal breaks? A few more actions as she schemes.“I” ends up being the subject of a lot of sentences. I want to do a craft class about this. But meanwhile, see if you can alter a few.
Basically, your good work on this section has paid off, and you have a fabulous, gripping scene here.
Bravo!
ElizabethJennifer,
This is very powerful material. I am starting to be swayed by your form. I love getting the interruption, and being in that scene during the interview, with the details from the past like trying to sneak cigarettes and Posie following along. And I also feel that the power of the story is so strong that it is effective to just “listen” to her tell the story. I am really hooked in at the point and want to find out how they get from this terrible first night (which at the same time sounds just like any initiation into parenting) and where they are now. I am also finding myself curious about what they know about the past of these siblings, and how they ended up in an orphanage, what they remember now, if anything, etc.
I also had a bit of confusion about where the children were delivered to them. And the more invested I am in the story, the more I want scene and detail . . .
I wonder if you can find a market to place the stories individually while you are building the book? I would imagine so, and it would be beneficial to building your platform for the book.
Warmly,
ElizabethDavid,
This flows better and makes more sense to me. I like both of them in their differences and their negotiations of brotherhood. I understand the shifts in the scene. And the rhythms of speech and strong characters and humor remain excellent.
Don’t lose the murder. A murder can’t be your B-plot. If George drops it, we should be worried, maybe? Or relieved? And that has to be because he’s wrongly convinced that Miles will not do anything stupid. But I’d like to see that Miles is the more convinced to act. Or something—how does this scene matter? How does it change the course of the story?
And don’t shy away from tension—even if the brothers do (and sometimes they won’t be able to, because the stakes are too high). The tension can be underlying, but not gone.
Overall, I’d say, keep moving forward so long as you can answer those questions above affirmatively. You’re doing splendidly.
Warmly,
ElizabethJody,
This is a wild and wonderful adventure. I love that it starts with your discouragement. I want, right away, to know why you are discouraged on that day. But why is a question to be suspicious of in narrative. It means (thank you Thaisa Frank) that the reader has not experienced whatever is not understood. If we experience something, we don’t ask why. We just believe it. So I want more of the details and the sequence of things that lead you to or that accompany you in discouragement.
You have great material here—details and dialog. Commit more fully to key scenes, like the one with Jean Paul, and let more of it play out. Read the opening scene of NW by Zadie Smith for a brilliant example.
I love the ending of this piece—the family back home, brought up earlier, come back here in such a moving way.
Warmly,
ElizabethDavid,
As always, the humor and rhythms of speech between your characters are wonderful. I’ve made detailed comments on the dialog—and I suggest that those of you interested in how dialog works open my document uploaded here and take a look.
I know you edited for length, but this dialog needs body language (gestures and actions) to indicate strategies, tensions and subtext. And it needs causal (cause-and-effect) links to move from one topic to the next without the characters losing their motivation. When characters lose focus on their motivation, it lowers the stakes on whatever they were after. You have really high stakes topics here—murder and a request for help, an aging mother and a request for help—but no one seems determined to win the day. And these are siblings!
I love the material—it’s begging for you to do more with it. Hope this is helpful!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
