Devi S. Laskar
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hi thais —
always enjoy reading the next piece of the kana story! really enjoyed reading the dream sequence at the end of the scene
🙂
good work sabina! i left you a longish note at the bottom of your submission along with my edits.
best,
devinice work thais! nice to see kanya and the crew again — i left you a longish note at the bottom of the submission
thais, i loved the energy of this piece, and i wanted to know more — the details of the piece, the specificity, is what makes this so funny and biting (no pun intended)
the real conflict of the mother/narrator seems to be that she is burned out but doesn’t know how to fix it…..nice work!
Hi Sabina
This is a powerful scene, and I think you described it so well. I felt present in the room. As a reader I just want to be “in the know” and see the two characters in the room really interact, and react to the tension of the situation. I marked the moments where I felt I was sitting in the room with them — looking forward to reading the next installment 🙂nice work!
Hey thais, this is action packed!my reader questions: I want to participate in the confrontation between the president protector and kanya’s protector – so I need to know more than Kanya as I watch the drama unfold. Can you just clarify some of the pronouns, so I know who is slapping whom and which protector is hurting the other?
I think it would be even more immediate if we the readers could observe the room, the details that Kanya sees as these two protectors fight. What does she notice? It became so much clearer towards the end when we could hear the noise and witness the collision and see the protector’s eyes roll backNice work!
dear sabina,
what a great set-up you have in this scene: I as a reader was intrigued by the arrival of the package and the mother’s reaction. My overall comment is that I wanted more reaction of the girl as the boxes are opened, and as her mother explains the proposal to her. I wanted to know if she was truly going to accept this proposal, what her true motivations were (what are the stakes if she says no) behind accepting a marriage into the household where her sister is — does she really miss her sister? and does her mother really want to do this?dear thais
i’m just riveted by this scene, there’s so much going on in such a short time. my overall comment is that i really wanted to “see” what Kanya sees as she learns that protector is her father — i wanted her to notice the lighting or any smells, i wanted her to notice if she was running hot or cold. I loved watching her see herself in the mirror and I thought it was very believable that she would be struck by her birth mother’s smile. Looking forward to what happens next!hi thais
really great rework, still has the suspense going for it, and i really like the buildup of tension with the pill and the president protector climbing into bed with her.nice job
hi sabina
such a nice job describing the extended family and how they cared for each other. I had a small question about discovering that the grandfather was dead. was his entire body covered in the sheet? but not his face?so much vivid detail.
thanks for sharing
devigood evening! thanks for the example sentences angie, I hadn’t seen the word duck used in quite that way in about 10 years 🙂
enclosed is a 500 word excerpt of circa, my novel in progress, on the exploits of Dia and her lover Crash.
This term I plan to use Salon to further my novel in progress, “circa.”
The story of Dia and Crash, star-crossed lovers who are reunited after many years and still haunted by their shared past.
It’s a novel made up of stories, set in the present of 1993 in NYC, and the past of 1984, in southern Virginia/NC.
