Elizabeth
Forum Replies Created
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Replies
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Thais,
I love the way the dynamics play themselves out here in the physical interactions among the three. The President Protector is creepy. I love the revelation that the other guy is her bio father. My big question is the plot question above. And I marked some spots to clarify or open out.
Great work!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Julie,
I love the mysteries introduced in this section and the strong sense of sensation that dominates this scene through her muddled brain. Some powerful writing here.
I still found myself needing a few more details when her eyes opened or she interacted with someone specific. The kind voice stayed a little too removed and generic for me. That might be how she’d remember him but in the moment he’d be somewhat specific, wouldn’t he?
Nita is powerful here. I want to keep spying, too.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Jody—I love what you are playing with here. I like the dialog between the storyteller (who is the person shot—she’s telling her own story) and the editor. I would, however, not let that form stop you from . . . diving in and making the pieces on which the editor is commenting brilliant, scene and character driven hooks for your opening, along with quirky, voice-driven bits that cause the comments. You sort of have to do both to win the day here. But I know you can! Pick the very best—not the introduction of the first sentence, but the hilarious parenthetical asides, etc.) Tell us (in the forum) more about your thoughts regarding form. I’m intrigued . . .
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Vijaya—Once again, I began with a lot of questions about the form, about reading a letter addressed to Appa that sometimes seems to tell him things he would know (which makes me think it’s NOT really to him), but then I sink into it. There are so many trails of stories here, many things I wanted to know more about, wanted to experience, wanted to watch unfold. What stories are suggested here! It could be a big book. Or some stories. Right now, I think it’s great that you are mining this material.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Jean,
I love the writing here and the details. Just gorgeous. And perhaps most importantly, I am on board with the character. I want her to connect—to her art, to herself, to another person. I love Howard in this, too. I think she loosened up for me here, became younger, if you will, a lead character. I was on her side in her irritations.
Other than my question about Howard—which may well be a reader’s question (one that will pull me through the book rather than a problem or issue for you)—I think my big comment to you is, keep it coming!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Mollie—Great story building here. I care about Dee and understand why she’s making the choices she’s making – and I’m worried about those choices!
There are places where I felt the pace moving too quickly—as I marked. I don’t need a ton there, but just a bit more location in the physical scene, which will also allow for a more organic shifting of the beats. Likewise, I wanted more physical detail in the scene Dee overhears. Wanting more is always a good sign . . .
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Simone,
This is strong material! I feel so much for young Caroline—she’s so sympathetic. This is a triumph. I love Ari’s characterization here, and the turns the scene takes. Very moving.
I made a few light edits, as you’ll see, and suggested a couple. Keep going! It’s exciting to see the depth of this story here. There’s also a wonderful thread of humor running through this.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Thanks for all of this clarity, Simone! I love what you are doing. (This is not my comment on your work but my comment on your comment. :))
Sabina—
I love the casual tone with which this momentous event takes place. That and the hiding of the Mad Magazine are the kinds of details and description that takes me right into a world that is unfamiliar to me.
And I want more! I want more visual and sensate description as events unfold. What does the prospective husband look like? What details does she remember from meeting him? What matters to her?
Great story.
(More comments in ms.)
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Thais,
Great event. He’s revealing something to her under time pressure. I made some notes where I wanted more specificity. I think the mention of his eyes (twice) as speckled (like hers) might be too much? In any case, I picked up on it and by the second mention for sure I am wondering if she’s thought through what this might mean . . .
Despite a few areas of confusion, the scene is concrete and unfolds at a good pace, detailed and yet tense.
Bravo! How great that you wrote a new scene, too
.(More comments in ms.)
Warmly,
ElizabethDevi–
Ooh—great. I love this turn. There’s a lot of wonderful tension in tis exchange, Devi, and wonderful description.
I know that you reworked this, but I also am pretty sure I’ve seen it before. (Maybe just when you wrote the pieces in craft?) In any case, really want you to write new things for Salon, even if they are free-writing that you do in ten minutes. You are amazing at coming up with new material when you give yourself the littlest bit of time. (Do one craft exercise on this novel and send it to us!) And you are powering ahead with this story. Let’s build on the momentum of your SF workshop and get you adding new material, okay?
(More comments in ms.)
Warmly,
ElizabethSimone,
This is very pleasurable. I like this character and feel for her—in fact, I cringe for her. I love it as an opening. You start us in scene, filling us in naturally on her backstory as it defines her problem and suggest that something is going to change.
I have a question about the relationship of this piece to the last one, last week. That was kind of a prologue. Does this come next? I realize you may not know, but I also know that part of what you wanted to do was start to organize the pieces you have, to lay them down like tracks. Let Salon help you with this. Ann Patchett in This is the Story of a Happy Marriage has an amazing essay on writing and one of the things she suggests is writing in the order in which you expect to be read. I have not really done this myself, and really you always have only what works for you, but I think putting this together in that order, presenting it, perhaps, in the order, would be one good use of Salon. Of course, another might be using it to generate missing pieces—that would be extremely valuable, too.
Let me know your thoughts.
(More comments in ms. Also, did Mollie comment via email?)
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Mollie,
I love what you are doing here. The stakes are high and complex and clear—a nice juggling feat. I like Amy and feel sympathetic towards her, both when she shoves Margaret away and when she imagines trying to juggle two “groups” of friends. Starting off with Dee’s envy, then a challenge, then the consequences and then the loss of an ally in her mother has built a lot of story in a few pages. I want to find out what’s going to happen! Minor edits around narrative flow and mediation . . .
(More comments in ms.)
Warmly,
Elizabeth
