Elizabeth
Forum Replies Created
-
Replies
-
Joyce,
This is an amazing, wonderful scene. Just SO good. You’ve got a terrific draft here and I think it should definitely go in to the memoir. It says and does SO much and is brimming with your characteristic humor. The thing to do now is to slow down and expand on it a bit. I have asked questions in my marginal notes to help you do just that. I wrote a lot of marginal notes to help you along.
(Anyone is free to look at any of the marginal notes–it’s a great way to learn, even if it’s not your writing, mabye especially it it’s not!)
This is a really important scene. It develops the relationship, the communication. If you slow down, we’ll get to wonder about the doctor’s reaction as she’s coming in, about Judy’s response. There’s a lot of stakes and tension and suspense . . .
Bravo!
Elizabeth
Susan,
What a wonderful character. These kinds of negotiations offer so much access to her personality, and in conjunction with the hints of trouble, they keep raising the stakes on this story. At the same time, it’s full of humor, her humor. I love this narrator and love the sense of trouble and of her not quite being equal to it.The voice of the first story feels a little more unsettled to me. But that may hint at character, too—his voice is unsteady. He’s imitating words he’s heard, taking on voices not like him but like a macho American. It’s hard for me to say more without seeing more. But what’s promising in both these fragments is the distinction between them—two clearly different characters with their own sets of problems, going after solutions and grappling with their own actions and reactions. This is the strength of both of these and of your writing. I like both of these as beginnings, which at least the second may not be, but that sense may come of their being my introduction to the characters . . .
Keep going. Go further in. Explore. You are doing wonderful writing here.
Warmly,
ElizabethLee,
There is so much in here that is wonderful. Tension and fear and then Amina’s desire, also, to dismiss this as a joke, simply not to make trouble or draw attention to herself.
My main notes mark places where I want more of the physical world. The physical world is really our medium as narrative writers—storytellers. It gives us the meaning and emotion by giving us the humans and their actions, which provide the clues by which we readers guess what is going on and why. We are adept at reading body language and worlds, so give us those in spades. You have a strong scene structure here to build on!
Warmly,
ElizabethLiz,
You have done a great job developing this further, strengthening the language and action. I’ve made a few notes where you can do even more, but you are definitely on the right track! I love the discoveries in this scene. Right now, the discoveries are all from Liz. Is there anything that shifts for Pago?
Otherwise, with those few changes—a little more action/ gesture/ detail here and there as marked, I think you are set on this part of your proposal!
I think Bree makes a great point about your bio not addressing pets, fully, although you do have the dogs/ vets bit. Even if you just talk about how many and long you’ve had pets, that might add to it? You love of, etc.?
Warmly,
ElizabethBree,
As ever, you have great characters, Cindy as much as Pablo. I lover her pointing at the massage oil at the end. And her rapid breathing. And her line about the hairball.
The humor is wonderful here, and the problem.
My edits largely involve cutting some longer sentences that convolute actions into distinct actions that follow one on the next. And your paragraphing gets a little confusing in the dialog section, making it unclear at times who is meant to be speaking, though the characters are distinct enough I never doubted.
What’s left is to make clear what’s at stake for Cinday from the beginning? What does it mean when she sort of gives up on him at the end? Does it matter to her? What deepens this whole wonderful interaction beyond anecdote? How does it hit character and become a full story? I have the feeling you have some good answers to those questions, or will . . .
This is a wonderfully funny tale with hints of deep emotion and import.
Warmly,
ElizabethMelanie,
The writing here is just gorgeous—precise and exquisite. The tension of the parents fighting pulls me through in tangent with the beauty of your imagery.
The leap to the scene with the father about the buildings leaves me hanging a little—I think I’d wanted a build around the parents’ fighting, or some kind of shift between scenes. I think I expected the tour of the street was still part of the arriving from the beach moment, and then it wasn’t.
Other than that, this felt like it was working as part of a whole. There is no resolution yet and I’m not sure of the build or its direction but I’m hooked by the writing and POV and tension.
The child’s POV is wonderful, the things that surprise and disturb her.
Warmly,
ElizabethSusan,
I feel you’ve really deepened the emotional resonance, the themes—which tap into Rostam’s desire, his drive as a character—and the stakes. I am intrigued by his feeling of concern about his father, though as you’ll see I had some questions there as well.
There are so many fine touches here—the red dress on the static filled black and white screen. The contrasts and the politics that underlie the boy’s observations about the world.
There are two places where you bring up “an idea” and I’m not sure the ideas are the same, though surely they are related. The first is the idea that will gather force as he grows, and the second is the one he gets at the end of this section.
I indeed see that you’ve made changes. I think this is very strong. Looking forward to more.
Warmly,
ElizabethJoyce,
This is wonderful, full of vivid details of Judy. And you’ll find I wanted even more. More of her way of moving in the world. My biggest notes are about putting this all into present scene. None of it needs to be future tense or general action (“Sometimes,” “Most evenings . . .”). Just use those kinds of recollections to create a single scene. You have some good moments of conflict–like the people sitting at her table–that will become a whole arc of a story if you let them happen in this moment.
My other thought is to ask you to consider where the character Joyce is in her life as it pertains to this story, and to bring that character Joyce in a bit more as a physical character, as Judy is. You’ll see my detailed notes about where I thought a beat of you would ground me–and as always, none of my notes call for paragraphs of new material, just a line or a few lines here and there.
I am so excited for this important story to get to the world!Warmly,
ElizabethLeila,
I am hooked. I love this. It is not radically new, if only because I’ve been there myself, but that is precisely why I love it so much. At the same time, you have a fabulous voice—full of humor, very clear, vivid, charged but very even.
This seems worthy of publication to me. I encourage you not to apologize for your work or your position. And it’s great to have a large niche audience. In addition, the fact that you are a teacher—and a beloved, acclaimed teacher—is a great set-up and a great platform for this work.
For this to stand alone, you’d probably need to drop the last sentence. In a book, it would definitely lure me on to the next page, so keep it for the book . . . And maybe for the essay, just modify it slightly: “So began my story as a working mother.” Just something that gives you a sense of wrapping. And now toughen your skin and start sending your work out. Already? Why not? (Unless it will stop you from writing to get the inevitable rejections that all my most published students collect.) Meanwhile and more importantly, keep getting down this story on the page!
Warmly,
ElizabethJanet–
This is really funny. I love it. I love the voice and the humor and the dialog. I am eager to read more. I love the concept, which I think is one for our times and for the boomers (big market) etc. – How old am I? What life stage? Great.
I wanted a little more scene setting, especially at the beginning. I got a little confused about Kevin when he popped up. If you can get that wonderful humor and voice and observation in right from the start, I will follow you anywhere. Although the hint of dark things to come hooked me, I am not sure you needed it, as the world and humor and conflict are pretty immediate and engaging. But since it was just one “thesis statement” I was willing to go for it . . .
Keep going. More, more!
Warmly,
ElizabethMaureen,
This is an exciting piece in that it brings together your life and the importance of this history that you didn’t know, or know all of, or understand, and hints at the reasons you started to learn it, the reasons it came to feel vital that you understand.
It suggests a journey, of which this moment was an inciting incident. But then it kind of dumps all the learning into a nugget of factual information. I know you have the ability to write all of this material in vivid scene. It’s not that you have to write all of it that way, but you do need to figure out what matters and then give that material room.
What is the story you are telling in this book?
What belongs?
Give those scenes room.
It’s also fine to write and explore and then later come back and ask, what is the story I am telling in this book? What belongs? Which of these scenes will I develop and which jettison.
I love seeing you in this piece, and seeing you both struggling with/ rebelling from and still attending to your mother’s guidelines, trying to integrate. The t-shirt is the perfect example of this, and the expectations are high and so are dashed. Slow down and give us this powerful material in more detailed scene—let us live in the emotional stakes of it.
I feel like you took risks here and they paid off and led you father into your story—and your mother’s story. Bravo!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
P.S. It’s fine if you want to write it anew for the next time. I just don’t want you to pull something old out of a drawer and, without deep revision, throw it at us. Mostly so that you can use this to create real deadlines. Writing the scene with this new information could be fruitful . . .Lee,
This is a wonderful opening. You’ve got a great world with the symphony, facinating. And I love your character.
As I noted, I wanted more of her interior thoughts, especially as she’s getting into the shower. Think about what’s at stake for her even before the official action of the story begins. You mention a concern she has about her playing, a desire for the appluase. All of these are wonderful clues as to character, and I’d like a bit more. What’s on her mind? You create a vivid external scene but can now layer in a few lines of interior thought.
I marked a few little changes, including one about mediation. You’ve got some lovely langauge and imagery here, too. I want to know what happened to her habib!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
P.S. Attachments are below the comments box and the tags–keep scrolling down. Then click “Choose File” and you’ll be taken to your own computer to choose the file to upload. 🙂Liz–This is a great start to what promises to be an entertaining and informative book. These opening pages sell me on the idea of the dog narrator.
I think the idea that meditation is challenging and that pets can provide a solution is your big hook, as you know. Take a little more time to set up the trouble Mom is having and the conflict of Pago’s wanting to be in and being locked out. Then it’s a turn–a revelation–that Pago’s being in the room is actually the solution!
How do you take your time in a scene? Add specific details of setting, gesture and action. These convey mood and emotion, which drive the stakes.
I love the voice and the setting established in these few brief pages, and I am excited to hear about the science (might it be worth mentioning that Mom is a scientist?) as well as the approach.
I made a few punctuation edits because I know some of this is going right into your proposal and out into the world.
Great start!
Warmly,
ElizabethBree,
This is pretty funny! I love the voice and humor throughout.
I encourage you to slow down a bit and give us more–more of the dialog hinted at in the funny lines, more of the interactions and build. You have a tendency to start with intriguing “thesis sentences” that both make us want to find out how or why something happened but also take away our chance simply to discover what happened. I also wanted more of these wonderful characters on their journey getting to know each other.
I got a little confused with point of view (POV). At times it seems you have an omniscient narrator, but at other times I think it’s Cindy–expect when it’s Pablo. Just establish clearly, upfront, just what is allowed in the narration of your story and then we’ll go with you the whole way.
Looking forward to finding out if they stay entangled . . . 🙂
Warmly,
Elizabeth
