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Discussion
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Replies
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Thais,
I felt as if I was taken from my home and to a place I didn’t know and from what I read, didn’t want to know. Thank you for the brief intro. <span style=”line-height: 1.5em;”>The piece left me wondering what was happening?</span><span style=”line-height: 1.5em;”> Is this the beginning of the book? Was the President raping her to reproduce? And it also seems that the Protectors did not agree with the President’s doings. I am intrigued. I want to know more. I know the Protectors are half human and half robots, but how do they look?</span>
Can’t to read more!
hi thais
really great rework, still has the suspense going for it, and i really like the buildup of tension with the pill and the president protector climbing into bed with her.nice job
Thais,
Powerful! You have a clear sense of this world. A lot of specific and unusual detail. This is a disturbing place (in a good way). I love the tension of her trying not to reveal that she’s awake as he keeps doing what he I doing.Some comments [in editorial parenthesis on specific lines, quoted below:
Kanya awakes to the loud release of the suction seal to the warehouse door. [Nice—an unepected but specific sound.]
The smell of a strong liquid blows through the air.[What kind of a smell? Bitter? Sweet? Rank? “A strong liquid” could be many things, i.e. brandy or vomit.]
Four feet. Two protectors. [Good. I like watching her calculate and figure out what’s going on.]
The slow even steps of the President Protector come in swiftly, [How are the steps both slow and swift?]
Kanya wants to turn and look where he’s standing, but she’s suppose to be drugged asleep. [Good situation.]
The pill melts in her sweating hand. [Good vivid supporting detail.]
breathes quietly and at odd intervals like he’s trying to speak with his breath. [Strong description—intriguing.]
Rapid breathing approaches her from behind. That’s the President.[Great—I love that she knows each of them by their breath. It gives a sense of one of her qualities as a hero—her unusual observation.]
The breathing of the nearby protector sounds like a moan or a “no” if he could talk. [Great—I think you can cut “if he could talk.” We get that.]
Feliz spends half his day banging his head against the warehouse wall and the other half crying in Kanya’s lap. Duo vomits in the corner and then walks away from it like nothing happened and Kanya ends up cleaning up his mess. Drag has the same disease as Klim but the illness has taken away his ability to walk. He crawls around on his arms. All boys. They sometimes take their pill early. They want the darkness. [Powerful! I shudder to think what is going to happen next . . .]
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