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Discussion
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Hi,
This is a piece I’ve written in the past, but have significantly reworked — so it may seem a bit familiar to you, Elizabeth. I know we are supposed to be presenting only new material, but I would love feedback on this rewritten passage. Because of the 500 word count, this starts rather abruptly in the middle of a scene in which Caroline (Greta’s aunt) is visiting all the rentals Greta had lived in since graduating from college in order to gain some clues to her disappearance. In this scene, Caroline has arrived at a house in the Berkeley Hills where Greta lived with other graduate students several years in the past. Caroline is has been given permission by the landlord to look in the attic where many of the past residents’ belongings have ended up. She finds a box with Greta’s name on it and finds an old digital camera inside.
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Replies
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Hi Simone,
Wonderfully suspenseful ending here with the mysterious arm draped around Greta’s neck.(Who is she smiling to at her right? We instantly want to know.) I love the way you juxtapose and compellingly describe the naturally pretty easy going younger Greta with the professional, made up, bleached, straightened one — lots of telling details — makes me wonder why she underwent such a dramatic physical make over . . . what happened to her psychologically? The camera is pure suspense in a box — both physically and symbolically — I can feel Caroline’s agitation when she can barely load the battery into the camera — good showing rather than telling — when emotional, it is always hard to do dumb little manual tasks, isn’t it! And as Caroline scrolls, we wonder about the story behind the pictures — could you slow this moment down and show us more pictures? more guesses and clues?( only if you think it would reveal more about Greta, or the old Greta.) I love her spread out like a butterfly amidst the aqua blue and oaks — nice imagery.
Also loved the dramatic description of the terrible fire of ’91 — nesting like atom bombs!And love the fact that she actually got scarred by the event physically — with flaming ash — nice and eerie/creepy. Will you do more with this scar imagery somehow? It is such a good, specific, telling detail.
I don’t know how to improve this — it feels very tight, scenic, dramatic and vivid (you use the word hot a couple time after the word heat — extremely warm? roasting? sizzling? simmering?) Love the many elements juxtaposed in this one piece — clouds, flames, blue water, verdant trees — poetic & creates tension, too.
Keep it up!
MollieHi Simone,
Gorgeous imagery in this piece — the entire first paragraph, with the hot winds in the present moment, “the type of weather” that makes Caroline anxious, and the flashback to the fire, which so beautifully sets up the end when Caroline is looking at the photos and shifts from how well Greta looks in one of them, and then the foreboding when she sees the arm draped around her neck! In between, I love the description of Greta’s shadow spread out like a butterfly, stunning and appropriately eerie at the same time. The description of the “healthy and happy” Greta is so moving, and perfectly dovetails into “This Greta had been missing so much longer than three days.”Given all this wonderful detail, it might be interesting to have a wee bit more of the same in the second paragraph when Caroline is scrolling through the photos before she gets to the one that catches her attention; did they appear to have been taken over time, in many different settings, or in one place, which is why Caroline knew the scene had changed when she got to the 48th photo? What kind of photos did Greta take – group shots of friends, etc? Were there repeats of any particular faces that caught Caroline’s attention? Since she kept “studying the faces,” I think it would be interesting to have just a few more snippets about them. When she gets to the 48th, what about the light makes her think it’s early evening?
Looking forward to reading more!
Jean
Simone,
Great—I love the positioning of this last reveal, the low point followed by the discovery. It does make me want to know if this is the “someone to the right” and to be clear that this was someone not in the picture. I love the tone of this work—the layers of mystery, relationship and family history, and the way you always use setting so powerfully, so that it’s both literal and resonant of larger themes and emotions.
I am very curious how this all fits together, builds and resolves. The sense I have with each piece is that these characters—Greta, Caroline and Domick—will have their lives changed by these events, and that they all need a dramatic change, though perhaps not the change they are capable of effecting on their own. How they will intersect and change each other feels vital and shifting—a powerful incentive for reading on. Have you put together the pieces you have? This is, I think, your next task, if you have not.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
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