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Discussion
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Hello,
This week I am writing from the perspective of Detective Dominik Ramirez, who is investigating Greta’s disappearance. This piece is a flashback to an event that happened in Dominik’s childhood which will have extreme repercussions for him and his family and which will haunt him as he returns to New Mexico to search for clues about Greta. Though Dominik now lives in San Francisco, he, like Greta, grew up in New Mexico, where this section of the story is set.
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Replies
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Hi Simone,
Love how it starts out slow and languid — can really see, hear, feel this moment with the sun, grass, concrete,metal creak, tires. (but I’ve never seen kids rolling in tires — how big are the tires, are they regular car tires?) You use sensory details well; love “watching designs like fireworks on the underside of our eyelids” (maybe get rid of “I peered” — mediation?) love how Jenny is going to another world (hope you will return to Alcoholics Anon reference — it is a strong symbol to put in a piece) I’m a bit confused by the “warped perspective” — not sure who’s perspective. Love description of “hot dreariness” and “miraculous blue.” I believe the moment when main character puts himself in harm’s way, does kind of an irrational thing. Will you come back to the sharp pain? Like the hesitation, gesture of kindness. and her face relaxing, his wanting to say sorry and Atnhony’ s mysterious look — this is very compelling/engaging writing to lure us quietly in and then to spin all those emotions in a few short lines! MollieHi Simone,
This is such a strong scene with the two brothers—I’m reading Anthony as the evil twin! The blend of images is really powerful, alternating between nostalgic and haunting, the innocence with the worry about the AA house, the clear sense of dread at the end with Anthony and “a look on his face that made me sick.” Even the nostalgic images are tinged with something darker, particularly because a child on a swing evokes something so innocent and yet the way you describe it is filled with a sense of foreboding: “For a time I had heard a noise in the far distance, repetitive, back and forth, metal creaking against metal” and “Jenny’s eyes were closed and she stretched her feet on each upswing to take off in flight, through the air, to some other world. The small canyon was completely silent except for the sound of the swing …” and “Jenny flew high above it in a warped perspective. Her chestnut hair flew out behind her and caught the light. She looked like she might escape this hot dreariness and disappear forever into the miraculous blue, and this made me suddenly angry…” Really strong, beautiful writing! Of course I’m dying to find out more about Dominik’s relationship with Anthony. All the twins I know have such interesting relationships: one is often bigger or stronger or better in school or more sensitive and so on and I’m really curious to know who is what between these two brothers. Just the way Dominik describes the world around him (colors, sounds), shows his tender nature so clearly. I wonder if it would be interesting to see Anthony do one very subtle not so nice thing in the scene, perhaps when they’re lazing in the grass, to differentiate his behavior from Dominik’s and to hint at what might be coming. It’s just a thought, since really I think this is such a well-drawn piece of writing!
JeanGreat turn at the end here. In the midst of action, seemingly drawing to a close but also building, we have an unexpected new ingredient.
This is a beautifully written and deeply engaging scene, Simone. Just slow down at the end here, because you’ve got us hooked and each detail resonates with meaning and import. We’ll stick with you.
I marked a couple of words that repeated close together. No rule against this but see if it works for you. I love this scene and think that the interweaving of your characters—Greta and Carolyn and Dominik—builds wonderfully.
Warmly,
Elizabeth
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