Simone week #2

[siannami]

Hi,
I thought I posted this Sunday, but I don’t see it. I sent it directly to Elizabeth and Mollie, but Jean, I apologize if you didn’t see it? Maybe it is here somewhere. No worries if you don’t have time to comment, Jean.

Thanks and hoping to become more technically savvy soon,
Simone

Discussion

[Jean]

Hi Simone,
Wonderful voice and details! I love the entire first descriptive passage and how it at once so vividly sets the scene but parallels Greta’s state of mind (hard edges of city vs. green space, teaching job she doesn’t like vs. dream to write). Then the bit of dialogue from her fiancée’s mother is so perfectly passive aggressive and well placed and goes to how little support she has around her. Love “the dull monotony that would cling in a palpable film” and at the end of that paragraph the words defeated, hasty and fearful which so perfectly describe her emotions. Very funny when Great thinks “She had?” after her mother says something about liking little kids. You also do such a great job with dialogue placement and not over setting it up.

A couple of questions: I wondered if Greta saw the possibility of going to New York as a way out of the safe path her mother suggested, i.e. was she excited about it, did she dream of what she might do there? Maybe another beat here? It might give another good peek into her state of mind. Also, in the final paragraph, it might be interesting to know what about Greta makes her think it’s better to keep going than quit the teaching program. Has she quit things before?

Thanks for sharing! I’m looking forward to the next 500 words!
Jean

[Elizabeth]

 

Simone,

 

 

This is very pleasurable. I like this character and feel for her—in fact, I cringe for her. I love it as an opening. You start us in scene, filling us in naturally on her backstory as it defines her problem and suggest that something is going to change.

 

 

I have a question about the relationship of this piece to the last one, last week. That was kind of a prologue. Does this come next? I realize you may not know, but I also know that part of what you wanted to do was start to organize the pieces you have, to lay them down like tracks. Let Salon help you with this. Ann Patchett in This is the Story of a Happy Marriage has an amazing essay on writing and one of the things she suggests is writing in the order in which you expect to be read. I have not really done this myself, and really you always have only what works for you, but I think putting this together in that order, presenting it, perhaps, in the order, would be one good use of Salon. Of course, another might be using it to generate missing pieces—that would be extremely valuable, too.

 

 

Let me know your thoughts.

 

 (More comments in ms. Also, did Mollie comment via email?)

 

Warmly,

 

Elizabeth

 

[Author]

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