Sabina Week 2

[Sabina]

Hello All,

 

Thank you all for your detailed feedback :).

Here is my second week submission.

Just to let you know this is my first draft and I really appreciate you all catching my mistakes, makes my job editing easier 🙂

 

Thank you!

Sabina

Discussion

[thais]

Big moment. The ring in a box. Loved all the boxes. So unexpected that she accepted right away. Can’t wait to read if her husband will be a good husband.

[Devi S. Laskar]

dear sabina,
what a great set-up you have in this scene: I as a reader was intrigued by the arrival of the package and the mother’s reaction. My overall comment is that I wanted more reaction of the girl as the boxes are opened, and as her mother explains the proposal to her. I wanted to know if she was truly going to accept this proposal, what her true motivations were (what are the stakes if she says no) behind accepting a marriage into the household where her sister is — does she really miss her sister? and does her mother really want to do this?

[Elizabeth]

Sabina—

 

 

I love the casual tone with which this momentous event takes place. That and the hiding of the Mad Magazine are the kinds of details and description that takes me right into a world that is unfamiliar to me.

 

 

And I want more! I want more visual and sensate description as events unfold. What does the prospective husband look like? What details does she remember from meeting him? What matters to her?

 

 

Great story.

 

 (More comments in ms.)

 

Warmly,

Elizabeth

[Author]

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