Sabina Week 1

[Sabina]

Hello All,

 

Here is my first week’s submission.  Looking forward to getting to know you through your work, getting to know you, reading your work and having mine read, as well.

 

Thank you!

 

Sabina

Discussion

[thais]

Hi Sabina,

I loved experiencing a new country through the eyes of a child. So many vivid details about the house and the extended family living it. I’m attaching a Word file with some more comments.

[Elizabeth]

Dear Thais,

@Thais

Please transfer your marginal notes into the comments so I can use them in the Insights! Thank you.

[Devi S. Laskar]

hi sabina
such a nice job describing the extended family and how they cared for each other. I had a small question about discovering that the grandfather was dead. was his entire body covered in the sheet? but not his face?

so much vivid detail.

thanks for sharing
devi

[Elizabeth]

Sabina—I love the kids’ perspective here, figuring out what is going on. I love being introduced to this world, the details of it and the mystery.

Here are specific comments [in editorial parentheses] on the lines quoted below:

It was frigid. [Define the “it” here—the room? The bed? The house?]

Since coming to Pakistan two months ago, Zahra had not been sleeping well,[It was not clear to me that they’d all come two months ago, rather than just Zahra. Maybe say, “Since we’d come . . .”]

scared of the bandits and the wolves that could possibly attack us while we slept. [Great—sets up the threats for the reader, too. How real are they? I don’t know.]

The shards of glass that were cemented to the top of the walls surrounding the courtyard; nor the big metal doors locked firmly; not even the fact that my uncles and cousins took turns watching from the rooftop with guns squelched her fears.[Great—These details really raise the stakes. This is real.]

Everyone shared the four bathrooms, the well, the kitchen, and ate together in the veranda. Within the courtyard, we had three cows, one buffalo, several chickens, 2 goat kids, and pigeons, which my cousins kept as pets. Everyone looked after the home and each other. [I love seeing this world.]

She had a huge mud stain on her clothes. [Good!]

In the middle of the courtyard, I saw my aunt walking to the kitchen shaking her head.[You do not need “I saw” here. We know we are in her POV. If you cut the mediation you will build a stronger sentence with a stronger verb. i.e. “My aunt crossed to the kitchen, shaking her head.” Great action, by the way—I am intrigued by what is going on.]

To my left, I saw my older cousins scurrying quietly into my grandparents’ room. [Same thing—cut mediation. Consider doing a search on mediation phrases such as “I saw,” “I heard,” “I noticed,” “I watched.” I see more examples in the sentences that follow this one.]

His usual smiling face was unrecognizable with anguish. [Good—more details?]

[Author]

Replies