mcneil:week 2

[Mollie McNeil]

please see attached file

Discussion

[siannami]

Hi Mollie,

Again, you evoke the loneliness of elementary school and all the hierarchies among girls that can make those years so desolate. The images of Margaret picking at her knees and the dried blood beneath her nails are such powerful images to convey this nervous character. The blood beneath the nails gives the piece a creepy tone and makes me wonder what else has made Margaret so anxious. I’d love to know her backstory — what her home life is like, if she ever did have a friend at school, if there are any teachers who know she is having problems and who try to help/find out more about her? But maybe this is coming up in later chapters. Dee’s confidence comes through nicely, but I’d love to know more about her, too. Maybe some more descriptions woven through the dialogue in the beginning of this piece giving us a more vivid picture of each girl’s characteristics and personality tics (Courtney and Christine, too) as they converse with each other.

I like the shift in both pieces I’ve read so far from school to home and I am so curious about Dee’s mom. Dee feels hijacked by Amy, but also by her mom’s reaction to Amy and all the change that a new baby and a move brings. I’d love to see more of the mom’s reactions to Amy and Dee to see how she is handling all this transition — and I’d love to know more about the mom’s rational for moving and giving up so much — but again, this may be coming later. And keep bringing your setting in — I was so moved by the Joshua Tree conversation in the first piece and the spiky bush is a nice touch this week — you can really mine the geography for this piece. Can’t wait to read more of your wonderful writing!

[Jean]

Hi Mollie,
I love the way you’re developing all the complicated relationships in your story. Dee’s sense of longing to be included is so palpable in the first paragraph when she’s sitting with Margaret and watching the other girls play, and then the dialogue, which is great. Just when I’m feeling so sorry for Margaret, she gets judgmental (“Don’t say geez. It’s sacrilegious”), which is so perfect in how it complicates her. Judgmental friends are so difficult! It sets up Margaret’s next bit of dialogue well, when she’s trying to warn Dee not to leave the school yard but her voice also has a little bit of a scolding edge to it. I love the details in that scene, when she slithers under the bush, etc. It does so much work in showing how desperate she is to please Christine and Courtney. I like Dee’s sweet innocence when she wonders whether she can have “two different groups of friends at school.” She’s trying so hard to find her place, and then how great at the end to show how little support she has at home. Clearly she can’t talk to her mother about her problems, which sets the story up well for future conflict. I did like the flash of vulnerability you showed with her mother in the first submission when she came into Dee’s room to sleep, in contrast with her anger, and it will be interesting to see how that develops.

I couple of little things: I wondered about the ball and the wind and the word choice “tossed it” which sounded like more of a deliberate gesture than something the wind would do, i.e. blow it over the fence. Also, when Dee comes home that night, it might be interesting to make the itching from her rash part of the action by moving it up into that first sentence: “That night, as Dee scratched the itchy rash that was blooming on her legs, she wondered hopefully … “.

Thanks for sharing! I’m looking forward to reading more!
Jean

[Elizabeth]

Mollie,

 

 

I love what you are doing here.  The stakes are high and complex and clear—a nice juggling feat.  I like Amy and feel sympathetic towards her, both when she shoves Margaret away and when she imagines trying to juggle two “groups” of friends. Starting off with Dee’s envy, then a challenge, then the consequences and then the loss of an ally in her mother has built a lot of story in a few pages. I want to find out what’s going to happen! Minor edits around narrative flow and mediation . . .

(More comments in ms.)

 

 

Warmly,

Elizabeth

[Author]

Replies