McNeil week 6 revision

[Mollie McNeil]

Trying again — here’s a revision with slightly higher stakes & more internal state. Now thinking of calling it Adaptation — if I end up underscoring setting idea.

Discussion

[Jean]

Mollie,
I love the specificity in this submission and the way Dee comes roaring back to what sounds more like her true self, brave and kind to the worthy but still sassy. There are some really lovely descriptions here. One of my favorites: “She breathed in the pure air and eyed the mountains around her glowing gold in the distance. The desert looked fresh to her at this angle, shimmering with heat, expansive and full of possibility.” Beautiful, and it feels like an important turn in the story, not only in Dee looking beyond herself for a change but also linking back to her dad in the very first submission when he said, “I love Joshua trees…They are so tough and resilient.” I like the way she echoes him in finally seeing the beauty of the desert, and it goes to your thought of “Adaptation” as a title. I also like the juxtaposition of the plastic glasses with the beauty of the landscape at the end, and that she notices how out of place they are at the moment she feels her most confident. I don’t know if you’re planning on having Dee come to some sort of understanding about her mother’s unhappiness, but I wonder if this would be an interesting place to subtly link all the drama and subsequent resolution at school with home. Good luck with your final revision of the story. I so admire the way you’ve created such a rich and intense narrative in 3,500 words!
Best,
Jean

[siannami]

I love the descriptive, lyrical language you use in this piece, especially the line, “The desert looked fresh to her at this angle, shimmering with heat, expansive and full of possibility.” Because I wanted to comment on so much of the writing I attached a version with my comments somewhat like Elizabeth does (is this ok, Elizabeth?). Sorry my comments are late — I have no excuse, only that work and parenting got the better of me this week!

[Elizabeth]

Mollie,

 

 

This story has a lot of power, a lot to say about friendship and family, too, about what we make of our situations.

 

 

You asked about the mother’s unhappiness—I have heard pieces in craft and read maybe a piece of it here, so I am not sure of the weight and balance of it in the story as it stands. I think it’s a great element, a cross-current, though. I would focus on making the connections through images and actions rather than through ah-ha moments in Dee’s head. As you slow down a notch and develop the choreography of Dee’s tree rescue of Margaret and then Margaret’s carrying of Dee, I think you will have opportunity to give physical clues (carrying! Babies!) to the overlaps and lessons without Dee having to think it all out as a way to signal us. You are pretty close already I think.

 

 

I love the imagery and action here, and the turn, which builds to Dee’s commitment to Margaret as different from the others—not just a human being in need of rescue, but a better person, someone worthy of being a friend.

 

Think about what you want the cross-currents to say. What does Dee learn that maybe her mother does not know about alliance, about forgiving people’s foibles, the right foibles to forgive . . . ?

 

 

Warmly,

Elizabeth

[Elizabeth]

Simone–That’s absolutely okay. I wouldn’t make a new rule only for me! I appreciate the end note appearing here so it’s easy to see the main points, but it became quickly burdensome to expect all notes here–so the attachment is fine!

Warmly,

Elizabeth

[Author]

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