-
Discussion
-
-
Replies
-
Hi Mollie,
I like the way you convey Dee’s battle between loyalty to a friend she isn’t even sure she likes that much and the mean girls — whom she doesn’t like either. The dialogue and the descriptions of Dee’s thoughts really send me to that world of the terrible hierarchies of school where compassion, kindness, and true friendship is often completely missing — a world in which young girls are attracted to what’s considered cool and popular instead of meaningful relationships or interests. I wonder if Dee will have a revelatory moment and choose to go her own way, not getting sucked into her pity for Margaret or her superficial reasons for wanting to be friends with Courtney and Christine.
Her home life is even more intriguing to me and I love the doses of humor you use to describe the atmosphere there — I laughed out loud when the mother gives both the baby and the grandma cold medicine! And the descriptions like the blaring tv give a rich sense of a chaotic, yet at the same time, lonely home. I would love to know more about the grandma — maybe from the mom’s perspective — did she ever like her? What was the grandma like when the mom first met her? I love back story, but maybe this isn’t where you want to go with your piece. Still, I’d love to know a little more about each adult in the family. What their hopes and dreams were, and what they have won/lost by moving to the desert. Keep it up, I look forward to reading more every week!Hi Mollie,
I really liked seeing Dee struggle with her conscience in this submission, first when she feels “a prick of remorse” after telling Margaret to meet her after school to climb the tree, and also when she recognizes that Margaret “meant well” and wrestles with telling her the truth. I also loved seeing some of her observations about her mother, particularly “Her mother’s grouchiness seemed endless” (wonderful!). The dialogue is also doing so much great work in moving the story forward and showing character at the same time: the cold medicine, which says so much about the mother (what was her tone when she said this?}, and then the great line, “We’ll be renting, Dee, not building,” her mother constantly putting a damper on all of Dee’s hopes. Since you give us a peek into Dee’s thoughts about Margaret, I’d love to know a little more about how she feels about her family. She seems to share her mother’s negative feelings about the baby, but what about her grandmother? Was she close to her once and now sees her greatly changed because of her dementia? When she says “Trying to” I was wondering what her tone or expression or gestures were, and when she scowls at her baby sister, and says “Baby’s ruin everything,” I was wondering if her feelings about her were more complicated, i.e. she loves her but she’s a nuisance? A couple of tiny things: I wasn’t quite sure what Courtney meant when she said “You’ll figure it out” and I wondered if “Back at home” meant after school. Can’t wait to read more!
JeanMollie,
This is masterful. The complexity and layers of emotion, delivered through specific dialog and actions, are powerful. Bravo! Dee has dug herself into a hole (so to speak), and she’s so torn—it’s suspenseful. Margaret is a wonderful combination of completely annoying and victim trying too hard. It all speaks of the worst of school.
The story is building well. I love the mother and home situation in the background, too, and the mother’s inability to notice what is going on.
Power on!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
Log in to reply.