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Discussion
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Replies
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Hi Mollie,
So many complicated choices! Things are really heating up in the story with this latest installment. To begin with, there’s the growing conflict between Dee’s parents. You’ve given her mother legitimate grounds for being upset (feeling like she was forced to move to a place she didn’t want to live, the dad expecting her to take care of his mother as well as two children). She tells Dee to make her own choices, and then throws it back at her husband when Dee’s choice isn’t a good one, pointing out the decision he made to move the family. She really lashes out in this scene, going as far as seeming to wish she’d had an abortion rather than another child (which makes the word “bickering” feel kind of gentle). Though clearly she feels decisions were made for her (the move, etc.), it would be interesting to hear from her why she felt powerless to refuse. And then there’s Dee trying to figure out where she fits in at school. Her mother wants Dee to make her own decisions, and yet she also is letting Dee make her own mistakes that she will have to learn from, too. I like the way you’ve twisted this around when Dee repeats her mother’s words about “ridiculous Catholic notions” at school; she seems to be heavily influenced by her mother rather than truly making her own decisions.
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Dee’s mother is so upset that I’m curious about her motivation and wondering what she was like before they moved. Does Dee remember her being happy, softer, then changing drastically when they moved? Or does her mother have flashes of being okay now as well, or if not being okay, at least showing some vulnerability beyond angry outbursts, like she did in the first submission when she went into Dee’s room to sleep?</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>You’ve really set up a fascinating tangle of conflicts and I’m looking forward to seeing how it all unfolds!</p>
<p class=”MsoNormal”>Jean</p>I like how so many of the little details slyly let the reader know that something is not quite right here: Dee’s mother’s “unwashed hair” Amy gaged on mucus and “nobody picked her up.” You deftly weave these slight phrases in and I wanted a few more of them when the mom and dad are fighting. I’d love to get more of the sense of their actions and expressions in between the lines of dialogue — or maybe the state of the house, inside and out. I am imagining it as kind of messy, falling apart, but maybe that is not the case — still I’d love to see little snippets of what the rooms look like, what is lying around the yard (or maybe it is super neat, and this would tell us something about the family too) — and maybe even what the weather/temperature is like outside, and does this external weather somehow reflect what is going on in the emotional life of the characters?
The images of the waterslide, the pool and the paper umbrellas are so real and telling about what girls of that age find meaningful. The popular girls seem mean, but somewhat innocent at the same time, and I found myself hoping that balance is going to be set off — for some reason the silly pool party seems like a perfect setting to introduce something more sinister about one of these girls or their families…but maybe I am reading too much into it?? Don’t want to get ahead of your story! When Dee uses her mother’s language (Catholic notions) to make herself more confident I can see how badly she wants to fit in and I wonder about her life back in Boston. Did she fit in there? Was she a popular girl? Was she bullied and doesn’t want it to happen again? Has she ever had a true friend? The foreshadowing at the end of the story makes me worried for Margaret and for Dee as well. Very suspenseful! You have really drawn me in and I am looking forward to reading more next week.
Mollie—Great story building here. I care about Dee and understand why she’s making the choices she’s making – and I’m worried about those choices!
There are places where I felt the pace moving too quickly—as I marked. I don’t need a ton there, but just a bit more location in the physical scene, which will also allow for a more organic shifting of the beats. Likewise, I wanted more physical detail in the scene Dee overhears. Wanting more is always a good sign . . .
Warmly,
Elizabeth
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