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Discussion
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Replies
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Hi Jean,
I feel for poor May –alone amidst the loud, happy chatter — just trying to feed herself and feeling judged and pushed around. I feel the anticipated disappointment and suspense of “she’s certain he’s going to tell her there isn’t a table” and I love how she is hiding in the shadows against the wall — terrified to be spotted — and of course Alistair sees her — and I like the way she wonders suspiciously if she was followed — and then unfortunately, she seated with the oil sipper — funny & tragic in that Henry James sort of way! I’m not hopeful of a good outcome with this stranger as he barely looks up, has circles, a week’s beard, disheveled hair and a wan wave — but you definitely have peeked my curiosity about him and have me hoping that May can in fact bring him back from a great distance to share his (unhappy?) story — I hope we find out more about this mysterious distant relative of Alistair’s. It’s always good to have a character that is initially off putting — that another character has to work at to like/understand.
Some minor suggestions: You’ve used both wan and wanly (maybe use thin, pale, tired, or fatigued?) Pear down dialog to bare bones of “sono sola?” just once and skip “I mean” demurring because I think we already sense that with her starting and glancing (love how the waiter finds it a grave situation to be alone and eat!)
Such fluid prose — scenes so vividly portrayed — light humor — small captivating dramas — you draw me right in each time. Keep going!
MollieHi Jean,
You convey May’s loneliness, yet also how she prefers to be alone than in an awkward situation, so well. Her interaction with the waiter is so telling — it’s as if the whole world is shouting to her “You’re alone????” And she is unsure whether to scream “so what?” or to ask for forgiveness. You’ve created such a sympathetic, human character that I wince when she encounters painful scenarios — she is very real and I’m so invested in finding out what happens to her. I like the description of her hiding in the shadows and later, not “thinking quickly enough” and worrying that there won’t even be a table for one. May is certainly wounded, and somewhat pessimistic and in the habit of protecting herself. Maybe another juxtaposition of her former confident self — as you did in an earlier piece — would be a nice addition somewhere in this work. A one sentence flashback could easily give us a richer sense of how much she has withered since the good old days…just a thought.
I like the description of the restaurant and of Otto. He, too, seems to be inside a shell of sorts and I wonder if some connection will form between the two of them, though I am hoping for May to meet someone who might be less run down and frail! Your writing is beautiful and vivid, and somewhat cinematic — I can picture this scene very clearly and the characters, especially Otto, spring to life. Keep it up, I can’t wait to read more!
I love the confidence of your voice, of May’s POV. Her discomfort here penetrates me, and yet—Alistair’s pleasure (“more than she deserves”!) feels so vital to me. I hope for her—something. A lot. The stakes feel high through, I think, the clarity and authority of the voice and through May’s slightly defensive dignity, perhaps. Her great ability as an observer that yet fails her when it comes to she herself.
Great work, Jean. Keep going!
Warmly,
Elizabeth
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