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Hey Devi,
Just to let you know, you posted your original piece in response to my “example” post. Sabina responded there. So nothing was lost, just misplaced.
Hope this helps.
ap
Dear Devi,
Loved this action packed scene. My favorite part was when Crash and Dia kissed in the middle of moving traffic! Fabulous! I’ve attached my comments.
Devi—Great drama here. I love seeing Crash and Dia connect. There’s a lot going on there. Of course, I had some questions based on being in the middle of the story and not knowing some of the set-up. (Is she his wife? Is this the first time they’ve kissed? Etc.) Keep giving us Dia’s very specific observations about this woman. When you do that, you nail it.
Specific comments [in editorial parentheses] on lines quoted below:
sucking face [surprising voice; is it right?] with
After their fight, she had been out looking for him, [Might you say she had “gone” out looking for him? More active and keeps us in the narrative flow of the moment to moment story.]
a buxom strawberry blonde[is there any unusual detail she notices? Like “Sucking face,” this is a bit of a cliché; with the first instance (sucking face) it might reveal voice and character; here, I’d love to see precisely what Dia notices about this woman.]
leaning over the stick shift, [Good detail—a bit more of this.]
Crash was kissing back, his hands occupying the stick and steering wheel of the shitty Honda. Yet his mouth was on this woman’s, neck craned, eyes closed. [Since you begin the second sentence here with “Yet,” I would cut “was kissing back” from the first sentence and show us his hand first, and then, following the yet, we see the kiss.]
this siren with bottled blonde locks. [again, why is she so unreal? I can see how this might tell us something about Dia, but I also want to know what Dia sees specifically. I mean, could she pick this woman out in a line-up or did she just deposit her into a type and move on?]
wiped the corner of his mouth with her finger, [Great detail. Just the kind of specificity I want regarding her physical presence. So good.]
Crash yelled, Jesus, Jesus, and quickly unbuckled, jammed his foot onto the clutch and put the stick back into the resting position. [Great. I am totally gripped here. Love his reaction.]
fixed a killer smile across his full lips and got out of the car. Hey Dia, he said, his voice rose above the din of honking cars and passers by yelling What the hell are you doing? Get off the road! [I have a hard time picturing him grinning as he shouts here.]
She could feel the heat of her blush rising past her neck, bursting into flames on her cheeks. [Try cutting mediation: The heat of her blush rose past her neck . . .]
Dia flexed her feet upward and kissed him, tasting the other woman’s cherry flavored lipstick. [Do they normally kiss? Are they together? This is not a question I’d likely be asking here were I reading in context, but it’s what comes up for me now!]
“Love her?”[Good.]
He put his fingertips at her waist. [Great, specific gesture.]
The other woman came to life and yelled, Is this your wife? [I want to know that, too!]
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