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Discussion
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Hi Mollie,
I love the way you build on the tension Dee is feeling from the first scene to the next: at school when she’s so anxious on her first day that she thinks Margaret’s erasing is an earthquake (and the way her mom’s voice comes in here), and then when she goes home and there’s all the tension that’s about to erupt between her parents. You show the way her mom and dad are such opposites so clearly through their own words and actions: “the strangled heads” of the trees versus seeing them as “tough and resilient” and then her mom’s wonderful line, “He’s locking her in with me.” This is all such a great buildup to her explosion when she yells that she can’t leave the baby alone with the dad for “one damn second”. Her unhappiness is so palpable and when she tells Dee “… you’ll make good choices in your life, Dee. You’ll make your own decisions…” I as the reader am so hoping she’ll continue to be kind to Margaret but suspect she’s going to be pulled into the lair of those mean girls! You’ve set this moral conflict up really well.A few reader questions: I’d love to know a tiny bit more of what Dee’s thinking in the beginning when she’s looking at Margaret with her greasy hair and dirty socks. You give us her “surprised” reaction to how vigorously she uses her eraser but does she wonder why Margaret is so unkempt? Does it make her feel sorry for her right away or repel her a little? When she felt “obliged” to help Margaret walk to the nurse’s office, did she feel empathy or did she do it more out of a sense of duty? When she goes home she repeats the “germy” reference the mean girl said at school, which is so great because I sense she’s really not sure if she wants to be Margaret’s friend or not, but I wondered what she was thinking when she said it, if it was something she really believed, too. Her dad thinks she’s joking, but is he irritated with her mom for taking her seriously or with Dee for saying it? You’ve really created a compelling situation and I’m looking forward to reading more!
JeanHi Mollie,
This piece strongly evokes the sad, dismal place that school can be through the description of the students and the grounds. Phrases such as “dun colored hair;” “graying white knee socks;” “chain link fence” powerfully convey that Dee has found herself in a bleak situation with her only choice of a friend someone she finds disdainful. I am drawn in by the character of Margaret and hope that Dee will choose loyalty over popularity, but I have a feeling this might not be the case in the dog eat dog world you so clearly portray here. The way that you describe the popular girls and how cruel they are (I almost burst into tears at the Margaret germs part) — and yet how everyone strives to be just like them — rings so true and makes me want to read more to see what will happen to Margaret and how Dee will react. You make Dee’s home life so intriguing through subtle clues about her parents’ stance on the move, and their relationship in general. Their conversation about the trees is a particularly good use of dialogue and showing, not telling, us about the tension in the relationship. And I love the desolation of the setting which gives this story an underlying eeriness. I want to know so much about each character and can’t wait to read more.
Some questions (which may be answered in later pages…): What is Dee’s internal state? We’ve learned a lot about the feelings of those around her, and we know a little of her feelings toward Margaret, but I’d love to learn more about her feelings in the same nuanced way you use to describe the parents.
In a few instances I thought you could leave a line out: “Her mother’s eyes shone hot and accusing at her father. “Not for one second, Tom. You can’t even watch the baby for one damn second.”” I wouldn’t have the mother say anything here — her eyes seem to do the talking and make the point.
Also, “her eyes looked swollen now, as if she’d been crying.” I would omit the “as if she’d been crying.” leaving it to the reader to assume what has happened.
Just some small suggestions but overall this is such a rich, compelling story and I am looking forward to reading more!Mollie–The description of Christine and Courtney’s trend-setting is precise and on-target, and her desire to be included and the obstacle of Margaret are moving. This is some excellent writing, Mollie. I really see you growing tremendously as a writer. Bravo! I love the complexity of the family, and how, nonetheless clear it all is through the action.
I am humbling reversing my position on putting everything in the comments. I’ve just pasted my many, many notes into three people’s comments and it’s just too time consuming. I am going to upload the doc. I’ve put my comments right in the text in editorial parenthesis, underlining the lines I’m discussing. Next week I will simply track changes in the document. It doesn’t seem hard to open docs anyway . . . Thanks!
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