- Cross-currents and misdirection: More than one topic/ agenda will be happening at the same time. Stir these various currents, let them bump into and ruffle each other. Characters, like human beings, rarely answer each other back and forth in a systematic, logical format. Each line of dialog is that character’s action in order to effect change, get something, win, convince, escape, entice. The other character’s agenda is not to respond but rather to effect change, get something, win, convince, escape, entice. Hence cross-currents and misdirection will rule.
- Repetition: Characters echo key words back and forth. These terms bounce like a ball through the characters’ lines of dialog. Denis Johnson is a master at this.
- Rhythm 1–Beats: Keep an ear out for the pauses between lines. This happens through tags (he said/ she said), actions, gestures, and description of the setting, observations of the point of view character. Weave these throughout the dialog, allowing them to break up the units of meaning in a character’s speech.
- Rhythm 2—Voice: Through vocabulary, word choice and the structure of the sentences or fragments and phrases, the rhythm within lines is established, the individual voice of each character. Could you tell who was speaking if there were no tags, just by the voice as it comes through in the language and rhythms of the lines? This is your goal.
- What to Include: If your characters already know it, they won’t say it to each other unless one is using it against the other. Even then, it will be referential, fragmented, not a narrative that fully explains something to the eavesdropping reader. We humans are brilliant at picking up the text and subtext of interactions even between strangers. So allow us to hear what is really said, rather than a narrated explanation characters would never give to each other. Trust us to figure it out or to become wildly curious about it—something even better.
- Dialog as Action: “Speech is something we do to each other.” — Elizabeth Bowen. Dialog is part of the unfolding, causally related action in your story. If it doesn’t change something—or everything—if it isn’t an attempt by your characters to impact each other and their fates, forget about it. Cut it. Summarize it. Skip it.
- The Toilet Rule: I have a rule called “The Toilet Rule.” It’s not just about dialog, but it applies. Here’s the Toilet Rule: Everyone uses the toilet, but if it doesn’t matter to the story, you don’t put it into the text.
All right, your turn. What do you love about dialog when you are reading? When you are writing? What do you struggle with?
PLUS free comment coaching: Post a line of dialog and I’ll edit it. (Dialog includes the tags, actions, gestures and observations around it.)
“Anyone want some pretzels with ranch dressing?” Kelvin’s mother had appeared in the doorway with a tray. “We were just trying to be helpful,” she added with an apologetic half-smile.
Kelvin blinked. “Of course you were, Mom. That’s all everyone is trying to do. Be helpful.”
Amitabh Bachchan said something to the girl, and the woman on the third floor complained loudly, Yeah, why don’t you ever talk to me like that Amitabh? I would have married you no matter what.
Someone else from a neighboring floor replied, God, it must be Tuesday. You’re having your fantasies about living in Mumbai with Amitabh again, Mrs. Sharma. Do turn it down.
It is a free country, here, Mr. Choudhury, said the woman. I can watch Amitabh anytime I like.
But I shouldn’t have to suffer your freedoms, he said, and slammed the door.
“But that’s not fair,” he said, sitting up taller, indignance rising in his voice and eyes, along with his defenses. I don’t blame him at all. I would guess that the look on my face put him in mind of the mottled green-and-yellow clouds that presage a vicious thunderstorm accompanied by hail. Any right-thinking person would duck and run.
“No. No, it’s not fair,” I said. “But you’re going to do it because you need to hear what I have to say. And I need to tell you. And you owe me.”
@rnward — Bob — All right. Love that you have gestures and actions in with the dialog, and I love this affirmation/ agreement with her that has a subtext that suggests something else–something more critical. Great! Now, I would suggest a few changes. Cut the past perfect in the second line. Either have her appear at that point, after she speaks, or have her appear before she speaks. Don’t go back and tell us she’d appeared earlier by using past perfect. Okay? Too much time travel for a simple reader like me. And move Kelvin’s blinking to after “Mom” and see how that reads. Thanks for being part of blog coaching this week!
@dlaskar — Devi — This is great. I love these apartment-hallway characters and their personal soap opera intercut with the filmic one. I’d refine: Someone else from a neighboring floor replied . . . The POV character might hear this as a voice from a neighboring floor? Nothing elaborate, but see if there’s a stronger more characterizing word/ phrase than “someone else.” And then the last phrase, “and slammed the door.” seems like its own beat, and might do well in its own sentence, i.e. A door slammed. Tiny edits. Sally on . . .
@leagpage — Lea — Terrific. There’s a lot of tension here, and that’s always a good thing. Tension = story, and it brings out character, as you do so well here. A couple of comments: “indignance” is the obsolete form of “indignation.” A narrator might use it, but just be sure s/he would and that it’s stronger that way.
Work on this part: “he said, sitting up taller, indignance rising in his voice and eyes, along with his defenses.” First, since it’s long, it would probably be stronger to make it its own sentence, allowing the verbs to stand in simple past: He sat up, indignation rising in his voice and eyes.” As you see, I also cut “taller,” since I think it’s implied in the action, and I cut “along with his defenses,” since I think it is also implied. Keeping us close to the action gives us more deep knowledge than telling us things about it. I think “And you owe me” is a marvelous place to build to–I love it. And it’s a separate beat. Let us see her/ them before she appends it to the rest of her speech, yes? Great work.
Thanks, Elizabeth. Yeah, I knew something was wrong with “indignance,” but I couldn’t figure it out. And the rest makes a lot of sense. Will work on it.
Thanks Elizabeth – fun to get specific! Good advice as always. Take it easy and see you on Monday. B
You are welcome, Lea and Bob!
“Don’t you have any homework?” I asked. I repeated the question louder and Harley took out his ear buds.
“Mom, I told you, no more homework, it’s the year end.”
“So it’s all over?”
“Well… we have finals.”
“What about studying for those?” I know, that was impertinent of me. Quite rightly met with a hurt look. Ear buds back in.
My edits, plus some notes in editorial brackets:
“Don’t you have any homework?” I asked. [Possible response–or rather image or lack or response here? Not sure it’s needed but it would establish him, the room, the moment more fully.] I repeated the question louder.
Harley took out his ear buds. “Mom, I told you, no more homework, it’s the year end.”
“So it’s all over?”
“Well… [Here you clearly want a beat, want to show him hesitating, equivocating. So show it with action. What does she see on his face, in his body language? Insert right here, between the “well” and “we have finals.”]“We have finals.”
“What about studying for those?” That was impertinent of me. Quite rightly met with a hurt look. Ear buds back in.
[I cut “I know,” here because the rest has such a strong voice you don’t need “I know.” Love the last line and the humor and relationship in this, Jody.]
Thanks Elizabeth, love how you’ve made it more colourful and complete.