“just saying…” by devi laskar
Ah, revision. It is a difficult thing and also a splendid thing. See my previous post if you want to see the original version of the piece I wrote and will now begin to revise. In the meantime, let me tell you what my marinating and letting it go has made me think.
You may also notice that this story is based on a chunk of the outline I came up with before and not the whole. So my premise has necessarily shifted. I mention this now because your premise is the first thing you want to consider when approaching a revision. Is this story in the emotional ballpark you envisioned? If not, what would help move it there? For me — these are the fast five answers that I came up with to question.1. It isn’t 100% quite “finished.” That is, my gut knows there is something not there yet about the piece, but my brain has no idea what it is. It has not passed the gut check for emotional accuracy.2. I do know that if I am going to do something with that car and that parking lot arm, I need to set it up sooner. That arm probably represents the obstacles between where my protagonist is now and where she will end up. I need to set it up that way.3. In many ways, she should already be flying before that scene happens. Or to put it another way, how can I embed the sense of flying in the descriptions of the character, setting, in dialog to somewhat subliminally prepare my reader for what’s to come. Or how can I use not flying in other places. It’s set at an airport hotel. But nowhere in there do I really work the metaphor — there’s room for that.4. If I want her to “begin” at the end, I need her much more at the end at the beginning — does that make sense?5. Her lack of name adds some pronoun confusion. I need to fix that. Give her a name or better manage those pronouns…Now you may have looked through the piece and thought, ooohoo — I’ve got a couple of other notes for you while you’re at it, great. Keep them to yourself; we aren’t quite in workshop yet. That may sound defensive, but it isn’t actually (you can critique me if you want, but that’s your own time…). What I’m hoping it demonstrates is that revision is an iterative process. A knife is not sharpened by running a stone over it once. Or even twice.And the whole fact of the matter is that a knife gets sharp by repeating two different processes over and over — grinding and honing. You’ve seen somebody in your family slide a knife fast over and over with a steel at some Thanksgiving dinner. In this case it’s the same. This is the first pass for me. The easiest quickest things I could revise without freaking out.
In the comments below:1) What was helpful about today’s lesson.2) Go ahead and refine your premise and then list the fast answers to the question: what would help me move my story toward my desired premise?
Next week: I’ll post my first pass revision and you post yours. We’re going public, not perfect.
Angie— how should I go about this if I am not happy with the premise?
Hey Lea –
Go about this by starting with revising your premise. After doing some of these exercises, you should have a clearer sense of the premise and your feelings about it. Start with answering for yourself what you don’t like about it? Is it missing something? What is that something? What else don’t you like about it? Does it feel baggy and vague… well, that doesn’t mean it’s wrong. Are the abstractions the wrong ones? Try on synonyms in their place. For example, Love creates Illusion. Okay maybe it’s not love. Infatuation creates Illusion. Desire creates Illusion. Okay, maybe it’s not illusion. Love creates lies. Love creates fantasy. Love creates false pride.
The most important thing is to spend a little time working with the emotional truth of your premise. You need to lean on it in order to edit. So spend the time now to make sure you know what you mean.
Hope this helps. Let me know!
Will do some leaning and see how it goes. Thanks.
Still leaning. I don’t have a revised premise yet, but here are the answers to your questions, so far:
Original premise: By learning how to get past the most common roadblocks, parents will feel energized, motivated and inspired to act.
What you don’t like about it?
Vague, totally blah.
Is it missing something? What is that something?
Emotional connection, tone, doesn’t sound revolutionary– don’t know that it will rock their world. Warmth. Emotional connection moving to the practical/love and recognition and a kick in the ass. Tells what parents want to hear and what they don’t want to hear but need to hear. Does no one know it or is no one brave enough to say it? A modern version of The Emperor’s New Clothes for parents.
Synonyms:
learning– understanding/discovering/uncovering/listening/taking in/recognizing/digesting/putting to use/mastering/wake up to
get past– overcome/travel beyond/progress/move beyond/release/free/surface/discard/unburden
common– frequent/usual/familiar/prevailing/accustomed/average/habitual/ordinary/typical
roadblocks– assumptions/misconceptions/habits/misinformation/hurdles/patterns/burdens
feel– experience/emerge/understand/comprehend/discover
(will discover that everything that they need is right there within their grasp)
energized-why?
(because have something different to do, don’t have to be not-self– have identified real culprit and it isn’t them)
motivated-why?
(Change of focus, see the light at the end of the tunnel, expect a different and better outcome, know what the next step is, have clarity, let go of doubt, self-doubt)
inspired to act- why?
(Not alone)
Here is the new premise– it helped to remember that this is the emotional root, not the whole pitch. It also helped that I asked my daughter:
“Parents act out of love and a desire for family harmony, but because they are making decisions based on false premises, they end up feeling frustrated and guilty.”
It may not be elegant or pretty, but it passes my gut test for the emotional heart of it. Now I am going to try tackling the logline and using this to revise the 500 words.
New logline:
Parents act out of love for their children and a desire for family harmony, but because they are making decisions based on false premises, they end up feeling frustrated and guilty. That burden is lifted when parents discover the fundamentals of discipline that have been within them all along.
It does cover the arc of the book. I am not happy with all of the words: fundamentals, discipline.
Now I am getting confused about the difference between logline and pitch, but here is another revision:
When their family life falls short of what parents wish it could be, they feel frustrated and guilty and assume that there is something wrong with their kids or with themselves. “My book” exposes the real problem: the false premises that parents rely upon, and it guides them toward family harmony by teaching them how to build a solid foundation based on love, gratitude and respect.
My mother looked slightly yellow and maybe that was natural to her state, or maybe it was the hospital fluorescents. Would she tell me, if she could? Slightly yellow, and her skin was glistening. Her side was rising and falling with her breathing. Her tousled, boy’s haircut, thinned, black, dyed even with the grey roots, prattled on in a mess over her head and on the pillow, divulging that her scalp was really bald. That hurt. I kept darting back to her scalp. She was still breathing with her eyes shut. How so? Was she dreaming? Was she visited? My husband left after singing with me for three hours, gone to pick up our daughter from friends.
I continued singing. “Give My Regards to Broadway,” “Bicycle Built for Two,” “East Side, West Side.” There was not much to say, but I said it, I don’t know how it came out: that I was sorry, that we’d tried, that I hoped she was okay. I went back to singing. Soon the nurse, in a royal blue nurse’s top, so subtle in her talk and quiet, came in to look at numbers on the monitor. “It won’t be long, now.” What I would have given for my mother to know I was there because I meant every note? I’d spent the singing suspecting she thought I didn’t want to be there. What did she know about me? Everything felt shallow. Was this the depth of all mothers and daughters? Maybe she was too busy and barely noticed the singing? Her breathing slowed, then stopped.
She looked just the same. Who was she? I wanted to know everything, even what the nurse could not tell me about the other side, if there was one. But I was looking for something more tangible and mundane, and didn’t realize it until almost two years later when I started writing this. I wondered, was she glad had she never told the building management to contact me? Was she vindicated in some scheme for showing me up? Was she content now?
What, Mommy, was the set-up? Why, really, did you not once let me tell the doorman to tell you that your daughter was downstairs[
I finally figured out that what I am trying to write is the agent query letter, with a pitch and very short synopsis. I still have to work out what to say for an author bio (I figure I have about 4 lines to do that and keep it one page in length), but this is what I have so far:
“My book” exposes the false assumptions that lead so many parents to frustration and guilt, and it unearths fundamental truths about discipline which are essential for a harmonious family life built on a foundation of love, gratitude and respect.
The tools parents need are well within their grasp, and the only adjustment they need to make is in what they do, not in who they are. “My Book” provides guiding principles and concrete advice, illustrated with real-life anecdotes, including examples of my own mistakes so that the reader will experience the warmth of recognition without the cold shower of judgment. With this new perspective, parents can be confident in relying upon their own inner compasses and will be inspired to act.
Some of the key elements addressed in “My Book” include:
*Parents want their children to listen to them, and so they try to say the right things. Learn why the power of words is limited and why action is more effective.
*Parents try to control and minimize their anger and frustration, which invites feelings of guilt and inadequacy. Learn how these troubling emotions can be transformed into allies.
*Parents give their children choices in order to avoid conflict and are baffled when their children don’t show more appreciation. Learn why children are relieved to have fewer choices.
*Parents want to be liked by their kids. Learn how to build trust, the true foundation for a deep and life-long relationship.